Sundays at Tiffany's.

I love Jane Margaux, love it how she chose to finally get out of her suppressed life and break free! Her courage and bravery is stellar.

Food for thought :

Would you rather get someone who is a 10 but gives you 70% or someone who is a 7/8 but gives you 100%?

I would definitely pick the latter, without any doubt. :)

Everything happens for a reason.

I've not talked to my sister for four months because of a huge quarrel that we had. And on saturday, while i was cruising around town with Z, i bumped into her. It was really a surprise(because i've never bumped into her in town) and i guess that was God's will. I decided to just say Hi. Her hands were full of shopping bags, apparently it was for her wedding. We talked for a few moments and i noticed that she looked sad. Her face wasn't glowing like before.

"You're alone?". I questioned.

"Yeah. I've been doing this all the time. Used to it."

My heart shattered for a moment. My sister doesn't really have much friends because of her busy schedule. She's often flying and that in itself doesn't warrant her much time to socialise. Furthermore, her fiance's often overseas. Hence, when she's home and she needs to get stuffs/shop/anything, she will always ask me along. I'm always at her beck and call. I felt that i needed to be there for her because i love her. We're not close to the other family members and so, we only have each other. We tell each other our life's stories, something which we never disclose to the others(not even my parents).

I hope that surprise meeting helps us to get closer again. See, it happens for a reason. Without that, i bet the silent treatment would persist till one of us gives in(which would never happen cos we have a huge ego).

I miss you sis ): (although i would never tell you this)

Enough of mindfucking.

In this superficial world, it's really hard to not feel insecure or unworthy because there are so many people who are better than you. You know what, i don't want to try anymore.

Trying already makes me depressed. Trying hard makes me hate myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I was reading through fashion blogs and i came across this model named Daul Kim who committed suicide. (it's not the first, and definitely not the last)

The modelling world was just too cruel, and it slowly kills the essence of her life as a whole. She felt horrible and the pressure was just too overwhelming. Eventually, she lost the battle.

You know? It's like no matter how beautiful/pretty/rich/hot you are, there WILL always be someone better than you. It's a fact and we can't run away from reality.

So, if you think i'm not as good-looking as some other people, it's okay. If you think i'm not as efficient, it's okay. If you think i'm not as cool, it's okay. If you think my personality is not as awesome, it's okay. If you think i'm not as smart, it's okay. If you think i'm not as rich, it's okay. If you think i'm not as fun, it's okay. If you think i'm not as interesting, it's okay. If you think i'm not as fashionabe, it's okay. If you think other guys are more worthy, it's okay.

I don't care anymore. Somehow, saying it's okay gives me a sense of assurance. I want to stop comparing myself with others because it is fucking tiring. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and live life as it is.

Oh c'mon, i deserve to be happy.

Ccb.

I think i have trust issues but i have reasons to be.

ANYWAYYYYYYY.

I FUCKING HATE MY OFFICER I DON'T REALLY WANT TO CURSE HIM BUT YES I HATE HIM. Like fucking shit, you are only serving your national service man - BREAK SOME LEG. He's too on and it's damn irritating cos the other officers are cool and serious WHEN THEY NEED TO while having fun but he is such a wannabe who acts serious and is DAMN demanding all the time!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY.

And he is a fucking double faced bitch who is nice to you on the surface but bitches about you behind your back LIKE TELL ME WHAT IS NEW ABOUT THIS. And i really give up explaining some stuffs to him because he is an egoistic bastard WHO WANTS THINGS TO GO HIS WAY. So you know what, fuck it. I give up.

True blue jerk. I don't want to go on and be affected by such an ass. I'm way cooler than this.

A new change with a new heart.

It is indeed a blessing to be here, to be able to still breathe and live.

I think i have changed to be more daring and giving, no more safety shells and comfort zones - It is time for risks and taking chances. I have been blessed with golden opportunities and each time they come, i will always tell myself;

" You know what? It has been long that you care too much about what people think about you, your actions, your body languages, your gestures.... just you as a whole. It is enough. You have had enough.

It is time to re-evaluate your life principles. Hiding behind closed doors just because you feel insecure doesn't get you far. It thwarts you from doing what you really want out of life. You get unhappy. Your whole life seems to go against you. A rollercoaster of emotions flood your mind and your soul. You are lost.

But.

You never seem to do anything about it. Life goes on, in so many wrong turns and directions. You want to get out of it but you don't have the courage to.

So, take this moment - The perfect time to get out of the whole system altogether. Do it now, before you wrap yourself in a world full of regrets and what-ifs.

This is YOUR life. You got only one chance and there's no turning back. Grab whatever that comes by. Release your inhibitions. Be yourself. Ooze that shining confidence in you. You've got it - you just got to show it.

Even if things don't work out, at least you tried. Pick yourself up if you fall. That's natural; it's just a way of life. Success is the mother of failure - you have to experience pain and agony to fully appreciate happiness and joy. Be open to failures, then you will succeed even more.

Live your life just the way you want it. Eventually, life is what you make it out to be. Every second in the clock counts, just make the best out of it. Do not regret. Life's too short for regrets. "

- Me.

Superficiality.

In this dog-eat-dog world, somehow, putting others down for your own selfish benefits is an act of survival. Nobody seems to really care if this is actually a degradation of their moral compass. I find this a pity because i believe that in life, there is so much more than getting high-flying jobs or getting into the best university, etc.

It really shows how horrible humans are. Those group of people who are ever willing to compromise and sacrifice their friends/colleagues just to get a promotion/pay raise, should be condemned. However, this is too common and it seems as though its 'accepted' in the workforce. Such an apparent and rife act should not happen in the first place. We should base our promotion in a just and fair manner.

SO much for meritocracy.

Somewhere there.

Life is what you make it out to be.

running around in circles,
among the empty spaces
with no exits at sight
but you still run ahead

Till next time.

My life has been so melodramatic these few weeks and it has significantly reduced my writings to nothingness.

Like what jermaine said, the combination of my 'emotional and dramatic' life is a lethal one. But this shall not degenerate my brain cells which are of declining quality. :(((

I have loved writing since young. It was a passion, which eventually led me to pursue Communication Studies in NTU. But all these while, i've stopped writing simply because my mind is filled of buzzing and perturbing thoughts. I can't seem to string a coherent sentence properly.

But, i'm thankful that life has been better. Thanks to Allah swt. :) I shall now continue on my pursuit of becoming a writer.

:(

Yknow?

Sometimes i really wish i'm better in so many ways. Then, i wouldn't have this sinking inferiority complex which really puts me down.

I mutter prayers under my breath which goes along the lines of, "Please God. Let me be hotter, smarter, richer with an awesome body and personality" so many times. Too many times, in fact. I feel like going bonkers.

I need a higher self-esteem. I wanna feel good about myself. I don't want gorgeous people to spoil my day. I want to accept the fact that there is ALWAYS someone better than me and i have really come to terms with my insecurities, flaws and shortcomings. I want to look into the mirror and be happy. I want to feel good.

I want to love myself.

Confessions.

I like you but i don't want you to know that.

I refuse to let my walls down and let you intrude them. I don't want to cling on you and be too dependent.

I am Mr Independent.

I will not think of you too much. I shall lose sight of your face and focus on other things. I want to distract myself.

I'm ready. I want to do this. But my heart is telling me to keep it slow. Let's not rush things.

We have a long way ahead of us. Time will tell.

Nineteen.

I think i've experienced enough drama to last me a lifetime.

I've missed this space alot but i can't seem to pen down my thoughts with coherence. It's like as though those ideas are too jumbled up and are better off kept within.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck this shit i need to start writing as a way to recharge my brain cells. I think love happens when it wants to. We shouldnt force it at all.

And we shouldnt expect anything cos expectations will lead to disappointment and despair. We should NOT expect anything and just go with the flow. It worked, and i bear testimony to that.

I love guys who nourish me with intellectual humour and wit. I LOVE guys who are maturd and wise. I need them to lead me the way. Those around the range of 19-24 are turnoffs. They are so young and probably schooling = no income and stability. Boooo.

I want my guy to drive. Hehehehe sexy much. And probably have some carfun after that HAHAHA kidding.

I've had enough of trying. Now, i just wanna live.

Look far ahead.

Our time here is too short to start worrying about small, little mistakes and expectations to meet. Let's look on what we have, and not wallow in self-pity over things we lack.

Life is so much more than what we make it out to be. It's time to make a difference.

Make the best out of it.

A few days ago, i woke up and thought hard about my future plans. Is Communication Studies really the one for me? Suddenly i felt that i may not do that well and ended up wasting my time. People (everyone whom i asked, in fact) tell me that i will excel cos i'm more inclined to such subjects. But damn, the whole issue of it being very competitive scares the inner shit out of me.

Despite all that, i'm thankful to God for blessing me with an awesome opportunity. I'll just have to take the risks and overcome my fears.

Cheers.

Where's your sense of individuality?

I get sick and tired of people conforming to the same acts that are happening prevalently around us. It's as though those actions are 'accepted' or even deemed as 'cool' just because people are doing it.

I want to get out of that community. I don't want to be just another person who is moulded into the whole scene.

Like guys dumping girls and treating it like it's an everyday affair. Teenagers who smoke or even pick up drugs. Couples having sex and making it seem as it is 'necessary' and is a 'natural' act of intimacy in relationships. Vulgarities. Late nights. Alcohols. Booze. Superficialities. "I'm better than you cos i'm smart, hot and rich".

I want to be different.

Get out, right now.

I've been really melodramatic these days and my mind has been shrouded with thoughts of negativity and pessimism.

This must stop.

And i cannot get it how some people can become sooooooo fake and act like it's all normal and good, as though things are meant to be naturally superficial and plastic (what an irony).

URGH DISGUSTING PEOPLE.

When we collide, and the earth rotates.

I speak on behalf of the entire human race, that what we want is actually a touch of assurance. Someone who gives us security by the warm embrace we're longing for, and words of wisdom to make our insignificance significant.

Because all we want is to feel loved and appreciated. And to realise that we actually cause ripples in the vast sea, amongst the billions of people around us.

Because like they say, life is too short.

I've been on the brink of a rocky edge; an unstable terrain which leaves me insecure and vulnerable. It's precarious and i may easily plunge deep into the realm of uncertainties, breaking each barrier and the firm walls i've built my whole life. It has been too risky and i don't want to do this anymore.

I'm letting go.

Just not to the extent of delusion.

Sometimes i wish i'm better, cos i know i lack in more ways than one.

But it's all in the mind - i just have to think positively which will eventually translate to a heightened self-esteem and thus, i will feel better of myself.

Tsk, so much easier said than done.

Just imagine.

I feel alone.

Despite the presence of wandering souls all around me, i feel invisible. It is as though my presence is unwanted and not needed. What am i doing here?

Sometimes when i see couples walking along the streets where i am, there is this pang of jealousy which instantly overwhelms the deep recesses of my heart. I hate being lonely. I don't want to be alone.

Just like everyone else, I yearn for love. For a Someone who belongs to me and only me. A person who tells me that i'm special and makes me feel that way. A person who makes me feel loved and wanted. Someone who holds me tight when i need it - that security i have been wanting all this while. Someone who will tell me that everything is alright even if they're not - to give me the assurance that i need.

I want you. You've been gone and missing for far too long. You're probably looking for me, just as how i'm trying very hard to find you. Maybe, fate will unite us. Just.. maybe. I've waited so long, you've always been in my mind. Where are you?

I need your touch, with your empowering hands that have the ability to calm all storms within me. Your touch to make me feel alright, special and loved.

I need you here right now. I want to go all the way to your side just to give you a hug - just because i feel safe in your arms. I want to cry on your shoulders if things don't go my way. I want to kiss your lips because they taste sweet, just like you.

I feel empty without you. You fill me. I'm yours and you're mine, nothing else. We belong together. Everything reminds me of you, and this makes it so hard for me to live because i know that we're still apart and we don't even realise each other's existence. Why is God so unfair?

I hug my bolster tight, thinking that it's you i'm hugging all night. I sleep on only one side of the bed, because i know that you will be coming to fill up the empty space. I know you will, i just have to be patient.

When the storm rages outside, i will crawl under your muscular arms to seek refuge. And you will be right there, where i want you to be; hugging me tight, kissing me tenderly and whispering softly in my ear that it will be alright and you will never let me go. We just stay close and warm in each other's embrace till the storm subsides. I was asleep by then, on your chest with my arms tight around your body. You tuck me in, and gave me a passionate kiss on my cheek. You sleep beside me soon after, with your arms over me. That night was beautiful.

I want to tell you how much i miss you, but words alone cannot justify the extent of it. I want to tell you in person but you're nowhere to be found. You're probably lost while i'm here, trying very hard to survive each day without you. We need a miracle.

I know we're meant for each other. I just have to be patient and wait, though i'm in agony each time you appear on my mind.

I love you. xoxoxo

Confessions.

I've not moved on.

I hate getting hurt. I don't want to be petty.

Let me out.

I realise that i've not moved on, despite vehement proclamations that i already did. The scar etched deep within is just too... overwhelming (for the lack of a better word).

I don't know what's becoming of me. I've become too self-conscious of my status which made me harder to accept my circumstance. Maybe, i've evolved to become an elitist. Something that i'm definitely not proud of :(

I'm tired of all these games. I need a break, far away from here.

Falling slowly.

Take this sinking boat,
and point it home.
We've still got time.

Raise your hopeful voice,
you have a choice.
You've made it now.

Pretend i'm okay with it all.

I was imbued with emotions a while ago and i realised that i have mastered the art of being Oblivious and Delusional which means i'm fine now!

But you know what, i must stop lying to myself. Whatever happened left a scar so deep which sucked every ounce of life that i have within me. I feel lifeless, i don't feel anything good about myself. Just this extremely heavy emotional baggage weighing on me plus the humiliation that is here to stay.

I'm envious. I am really really really really envious of everyone around me who has made it. Those who made it to where they want to be, leaving me behind all alone. I cannot stop feeling this way because the pain i suffered is too much to bear.

I really feel like breaking down sometimes. I really do. But i know i must be strong. Do i really have to? The facade i'm putting up everyday is tiring, and it's making me feel so insecure of myself. I know my friends want me to be okay. But how can i be okay in such a situation? I can never be.

Do you know how much of my pride do i have to swallow every single time i step into my foot there? It's like i just wanna bury a hole and hide inside forever. I'm too embarrassed and i feel humiliated all the time. I don't even have the guts to look up. I feel inferior.

I cannot move on. I cannot let go. It's just too painful. I don't want to carry on like, but i just can't... help it.

Nothing's real until you let go completely.

I was reading through my previous entries and i realised that i've been through quite a lot. Events that have moulded me to be more matured and wise, ahhh the growing phases of a young adult who is trying to survive in this cruel world.

I'm feeling so lost and jaded. I long to love and be loved, i think i need to set a lower standard with realistic expectations because I've been living in fantasy all these while. Thoughts of my ideal partner are drilled with perfection in my head; perfect features, perfect body, perfect intelligence, perfect personality, a perfect person - basically an idol who possesses such traits and characteristics. Who am i kidding?

I need to stop living in denial. I need to stop being delusional. I need to be more real.

---

It's moments like these which make me think. Think about my life and the way i live all these while. I want to let go completely but there are bound to be inevitable scraps and pieces buried deep within. It's hard.

I want to be out of the cage i've been living in. I'm envisioning myself running freely alongside pretty flowers and wide patches of greeneries. I'm alone. There's no one here and i feel emancipated. Nothing's bothering me, my mind's freed of problems and worries. I breathe deeply; the scent of freshness and liberation captivate my sense of smell.

This is perfect.

Suddenly, i hear thunderstorms. I woke up and realised It's all been a dream.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Alot of things have been happening recently, too much for me to handle. But, i'm taking it in my stride because i am too powerless to do anything anyway. I can't deny that life has been really cruel these days but i'm still holding on to my faith that there's always a blessing in disguise.

The humiliation and emotional turmoil i went through last few weeks were enough to break anyone. But, with Allah swt by my side, i made it through. Thank you Allah swt, without you, i'm nothing.

---

Now, i fully understand that if things are not meant to be, no matter how close you are in getting it, you will still not get it. Oh well, Allah swt knows what's best for us so i believe we shouldn't worry too much. We are all safe in His plans. :)

These 6 months have been breathtaking and enriching. I've made so many friends, people from different backgrounds and personalities. I even befriended people i never thought i will be friends with.

Trainings were tough. BTM was crazy. Field and final exercises lived up to their reputation of being able to kill you. I went through every single thing.

I did.

But.... Maybe, it was all just not meant to be. It's okay, it's okay.

At least i went through it all. The experience is just ... priceless. Nothing beats it.

I thank God for allowing me to go through this. Even though the end product wasn't what i wanted, i'm still eternally grateful. The friends i met are enough to mask the feelings of disappointment and humiliation.

Thank You ALLAH SWT.

I am such a loser.

I am utterly disappointed with myself.

The pangs of insecurities buried deep within me have totally controlled my actions all the time, to the extent of letting golden opportunities slip by just like that.

FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING INSECURE?

Knnccb fuck.

I need more confidence and pluck up more courage to do what my heart says, without letting the fucking loser spirit springs up and own the world.

I need to be less superficial.

I need to stop being a loser and be scared of every single thing.

I think i need to just do it without thinking of the consequences. I must not be afraid of the aftermath. Just listen to my heart and go for it.

DON'T EVER HESITATE.

And now, the choice has finally been made. Still muddled with confusion, but relatively more firm and decided. I'm pleased.

Dear Allah, please bless this choice and leave me with no regrets. Make it the best for me, my life and for the people around me. Amin.

God, grant me wisdom.

And now, the Time has arrived. This very crucial moment of which your entire future lies on, the single decision you have to make that can either cripple or grant you The life that you've always wanted.

However, I'm utterly confused.

I can't seem to make a firm and vehement decision right at this point of time, influenced by the desire to be everything i dream to be but am definitely not able to do so.

Ah fuck time is running out.

Circle.

It's like back to square one, all over again. I think sometimes we should just learn the art of relaxing and recuperating with nothing in mind.

And yes, Syukur Alhamdulillah. I GOT INTO MASS COMM YAY YAY YAY. Thank Allah times infinity.

I think there's ALWAYS a blessing in disguise and everything indeed happens for a reason. It's just that when things happen, we tend to be clouded with overwhelming emotions and disregard the big picture. It's like we are enclosed in a cage of irrationality and our mind just refuses to accept the fact that it actually happened, while dismissing any possibility that it can actually turn out positive(in the shadow of time).

We need to learn how to let go. And, look at things with an open perspective encompassed in faith that we are all safe in God's wonderful plans. He knows what's best for us. <3

Postage.

Ah. The feelings of regret and melancholy are coursing through my veins, right into sensitive spots of negative emotions.

It's strange how stamped and imprinted words can lose its value and worth in just a matter of seconds. Well, strange is such a loose word in this context. Let's use ... 'pathetic' instead.

I'm woebegone. And crestfallen.

And it really hits you hard when years of affirmation and assurance have come to a naught in a moment of folly. In just one moment of folly, that unlucky number.

Well, i guess in life, things don't always go as planned.

Big man.

It's the same moment again, that particular event on that fateful day. That something, which just sparked off all sorts of guns - destroying territories of similar interests.

It's like how i would love everything to stop and not move on, just for a second or two. Because the realisation of the possibility of something prized being ruptured is just too apparent and palpable to the naked eye.

But, despite intense and vehement tries to quell and subdue those emotions, it still gets out of control. It's probably due to the big man inside our small hearts, an authoritative and powerful voice which dictates and controls our vulnerable souls.

How then do we conquer it?

It's like how you really don't want to be swayed by emotions and irrational thoughts, but the sudden outburst of explosives in your mind blur your vision and obscure your rationality.

I guess it's just part and parcel of a confused soul living in a pool of people running amok.

Delving into the unknown with no common end in sight.

Hi it's been so long i've no idea when was the last i visited here. I've been uninspired lately, like what is there to be inspired right? I've lost my sheer inspiration to string a sentence coherently. I think i've lost a footstep along the way, through the terrain of unchartered territories. It's been an adventure, with a fresh breath of new air and environment.

3 months. 3months have passed. A whole new generation has emerged. It's like a whole new thing altogether, coupled with accents and tinges of familiarity - though they stand out conspicously in subtle forms. It's like how you wake up from a dream that has been haunting you for days, but it's still ultimately a new day. A new beginning. With new hopes and aspirations, dreams and inspirations.

We all have dreams, but how far are we willing to go all out for it?

It's like how we used to run along the thick bushes with the sharp edges of branches and woods pricking our sore feet, but we still sprint ahead without doubt. It's like how we get trampled on by authoritative figures who are just bent to put us down, but we still succumb to their orders anyway. It's like how we tried to climb over the boulder which is impossibly high and hard, but we still want to do it to get to the other side.

But, is that still enough?

It's like walking alongside with the wind, breathing and feeling nothingness. Just being susceptible and vulnerable to the air. Small gushes of wind with butterflies fluttering and birds soaring high. I see a rainbow. Beautifully placed between the faded sun and the cumulonimbus clouds. I breathe in the air as much as i can. It smelt fresh, like your knitted sweater that you put around my shoulders when it was freezing cold. I miss your scent, the lingering aroma that tickled my nose but i still love it all the same.

It felt like yesterday, when we looked at each other in the eyes. That perfect moment.

Sup?

Sometimes in life, you get confused and lost because ironically, there's a wealth of opportunities waiting to be grabbed. But despite such feelings of uncertainty, sometimes you wish you'd done better. What you get is never enough because you can always achieve a notch higher.

Tell me about it, it's just human nature; Mr Greedy's rising up again.

Be contented, because without God's help, you're bound to do worse than what you already achieved.

Be contented, because contentment is a key to happiness.

Be contented, because it gives you a satisfaction that money cannot buy.

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

I thank God for everything, because without His endearing help and blessing, i would never ever dream of such grades.

Allah, thank You.

from the bottom of my heart

Make everyone proud.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

It was very tough last week, and i believe it has taught me the art of endurance. NO one said it's gonna be easy, and the trainings have proven just that. But, i guess there's a blessing in disguise. The prospects and benefits once i've graduated from this course say it all.

And besides, i've met so many awesome friends there whom thankfully, have been making this journey worthwhile. I thank God for them, sincerely and earnestly. This certainly has cemented my belief that God is fair, always. Tranings have been shit and so, He grants me with good and trusted people whom i can share my weals and woes with.

To top it all, my friends outside of NS have been so sweet and loving, i really have to thank God for everything. I just hope i'll make it. I believe i can. Think positive thoughts! (:

Insomnia.

Hello i'm having a pimple outbreak and it sucks. :(

and i really hate explaining to people how tough ERS can really be. i mean how far can words justify actions? so like i don't bother describing the shit i go through cos only my buddies there will understand.

at times i really feel like giving up and just be out of course. like it can be really bad and i really hate it like fuck this shit. i don't want to do this at all.

i think you're so hot i think i like you kthxbye

Sometimes i feel that i give a very unapproachable and hostile face, it might give a wrong impression to others. So like i try to look more friendly and approachable or like don't look at them at all i think i suck. I should like give a less stuck-up face or something. (am referring to strangers anyway)

I've made many good friends there :D It's gonna be BTM next week = hell. I just hope my knee cap will improve and won't be painful anymore.

I'm actually quite pissed and I DON'T KNOW WHY. fuck. (omg saying fuck is such a therapy lol)

We were sitting with our backs against the world.

Sometimes i think it's better to think of the worst. Cos things will always be better than that, somehow, in one way or another. What can be worst than worst right? Worst is the ultimate, an end to a spectrum of the extreme.

So, sometimes, it's best to give up. And think of the worst.

Also, when you throw the towel in, completely or half-heartedly, hope will dissipate. And without hope, there will be no disappointment.

We will then, be happier.

Like the rocket, it shines through.

Sore throat, it hurts.

I sort of can't believe that i did what i did. An adventure, you may say. But, i actually don't want to fall too deeply into such pits.

God, save and forgive me.

If they can do it, SO CAN I.

It feels so surreal how we all are growing up so fast, too fast in fact. Like i would still go, "Wow, i'm in NS right now". Then, Speechless.


And it feels strange because i thought NS will never come, and at that point of time, i really can't imagine how i will be in NS. And besides, the big A levels are over. Another turning point. One after the other.


I guess that's how life works. Like they say, Change is the only constant. I'll Just ride along with the waves and get used to whatever come by.

I know i can do this. Persevere and endure.

Turn the time back. And rewind it to the precious moments of my life.

I totally didn't agree when yuan went something like, "Actually it's better, if you just leave normally without any plans or celebrations to send you off."(something like that, when we were in the balcony)

But now, i think he's totally right. like how i am literally choking up with emotions right now cos the prospect of leaving my buddies to serve the freaking nation is totally not cool. and how my friends are being such nice and loving souls (omg jerm your entry made my eyes watery haha i think that's the furthest i can go cos i don't cry for nuts so that IS a big deal).

okay and scotty and azn didn't wait :( well its probably like 1 plus am for scotty and 5 plus am for azn BUT STILL :( they go like ''we must talk before you leave" but grr i think it was a little too late :( sigh, i really don't want to leave.

haha scotty sent an offline message :D

Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:17 PM:
hey baby
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:17 PM:
sorry i can't talk to you live but i am unable to lol
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:17 PM:
i wana wish you luck and best wishes for NS for the next few weeks
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:18 PM:
i can't wait till i talk to you
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:18 PM:
have fun and don't make a move on any guys without my permission ok?
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:18 PM:
hahaha
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:19 PM:
all the best baby
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:19 PM:
love scotty xoxoxoxoxxo

HAHA ignore the baby thing it's totally one-sided. i like someone else hahaha sneaky :D

ANYWAY lovelies! take good care of yourself yeah? see you guys soon like really soon, and by then i hope you guys are still as lovely as always! omg hope our friendship becomes stronger with the test of time! love you guys to bits <3

Clubbingg laterrrrrrrrr but am not exciteddddddddddd

Hi i don't know why i'm feeling so blue and jaded lately like even tho i'm clubbing my ass off, i actually don't really feel good.

like how i feel clubbing is just a form of escapism and is simply a momentary thing. i don't know how i'm feeling but just .....................

i'm not sure if its NS-related i really don't want to think about it i don't know i don't know i don't know. its really amazing how i really get NS shit out of my head but now c'mon, it's like 3 more days.

sigh.

Let's just give fate a new name.

Hi i'm feeling exhausted and i'm having cramps on my legs. and i really really can't believe that i got grinded by that guy who we all agreed was hot and we were totally checking him out.(read 1st entry) and that white american guy too. jeez i really wasn't expecting anything of that sort at all. ha insecurities issue.

and i'm listening to some chinese song and i'm feeling all mopey and sad omg NS next tues! i can't believe it, either. and i miss him :((((((( but i guess that bold decision was the best one. for the long run.

time heals.

I want to be a better person.

Hi i think 2008 has been a great year. I've strengthened relationship with my friends, became more concerned of others, less self-centred and became more appreciative of people and the world, in general. i've given more love to others and have received more love than ever before. <3

i think i've became less petty and self-absorbed. i've became more open and forgiving, i've learnt to let go. i've learnt that looks are not everything, friends are everything. i think i've been less superficial and collected. i'm loving myself more.

for 2009, i really want to be closer to God and get away from negative influences. i want to try my best in committing less sins as possible and do more good deeds to be enlightened. i want to be fearless, i don't want to regret anything that i do. i want to give my all, i want to shower as much love as i can to my loved ones. i want to be open to everything but be restrained at some point by being aware of not crossing the line. i don't want to be scared of anything, i don't want to be worried by every little fear. i don't want to feel uncomfortable and worried. i want to break free. i want to do it even though my heart is scared and is resisting.(good things, challenges, obstacles)

i want to be myself. i don't want to be shy to strangers. i want to make the first move, i want to say HI first. i want a man! i want to be have a hot bod. i want to be carefree. i want to be friendly and more sociable. i want to learn more jokes. i want to have more guts. i want to mince my words. i don't want to hurt/offend people. i want to be in good terms with everyone. i want to be less bitchy. i want to be nicer. i want to read more, i want to be smarter.

i just don't want to be afraid or not do things just because i don't feel comfortable. i want to break the boulders within me and challenge myself.

"Den let that stupid mentality go"

okay i had to say this before i sleep omg i am damn tired already okay but Hanisa is such an angel. okay she went along too yesterday and she was damn hot and S(who likes everyone in terms of sexual orientation, gender, whatever) go ga-ga over Hanisa and they even made out! the kissing scene was hot.

one of the main reasons why i always dont take the first move is because i am very screwed up mentally. like i would always think that those cute gays may think i'm not hot or good-looking enough so i'll get very insecure and paranoid so that restrained me ALOT. so guys always hook me up first or thats it. and i do regret like yesterday, there was this cute guy and he was buff and he was dancing so close to me we could actually grind each other but i was too insecure i didn't even look at his face when we danced i was like looking uninterested all the time :( AH FUCK.

so yeah, but Hanisa always go like omg dont be dumb you're hot yada yada yada i was actually not convinced. but she's said it so many times i think i'm a bit more convinced HAHA. like she sent this text and i thought it was sweet :

"Den let that stupid mentality go! Seriously you ARE hot and good-looking and fun and you're definitely attractive so stop being stupid seriously".

AWWW. i'm gonna keep this text for life and be motivated when i club. HAHA. okay, tonight, for the first time, i really hope i will make the first move. FedEx all your guts to me!
'

Eventful New Year's.

Hi world you're probably snoring away right now but i just came back and i went straight to the laptop cos i'm actually still high and am not exactly tired though like i went out like 8pm(was 45 minutes late) and reached home like now which is near 11am.

clubbing rocks socks, even though it was with 2 complete strangers(one of them was a gay) whom i've never met at all and a good friend who looked hot, really hot in fact. went to a gay club(yeah duh), was queuing for PLAY when we realised that the guys were actually quite ugly so Joel suggested Taboo which we did. have never been to Taboo but i think the guys there are fucking hot.

LIKE SHIRTLESS CLUBBING WITH FUCKING HOT AND BUFF BODY omg i think i died many times there.

we were pretty early so we went like woo no one's here yet. there was no one on the dance floor and apparently, this guy whom we all agreed was hot he doesnt look asian mix i think(lets call him HOTTIE HAHA), was dancing with his friend. we(2 gays, 1 pansexual and 1 bisexual) were like 'OMG hot look at his arms, and his butt look so tight' HHA. okay lets call him HOTTIE, typed that in case you forgot cos he will be in the scene later.

okay then, after some time the dance thing happened. so i was dancing like a mad cow, literally and perspiring like as if i ran 2.4 km for NAPFA. i think i didn't care much and just like danced and be crazy cos i'm like that in clubs ha. THEN, omg the joel guy who is gay whispered me like 'hey that white guy is staring at you' and i went like 'where?! which' and he went like 'JUST BESIDE YOU'.

OMG and before i knew it that white guy was right behind me and was grabbing my ass! and then, HE GRINDED ME from behind and i was like high and just went berserk and went along with it :D omg and then, that HOTTIE(guy above) came along and he said hi and i was like hi back and he grinded me next! it was like one after another, and the hottest thing was that HOTTIE was hard(his cock lol) when he grinded me and i was like omg omg omg hot hot hot. okay i died and lived again.

HAHA and then as normal grinded my friends and like make out HA joke and like do stuffs. some time later, that white guy came up to me again and grabbed my ass like again. geez but i was actually kinda lazy to like reciprocate so i just ignored him HAHAHA(and i was actually a bit shy too). okay i was excited 2 hot guys grinded me heh.

and like there were quite a number of guys who clubbed shirtless and was fucking buff and hot OMG i died again. okay we left like around 2 cos i was pretty bored and i had no guts and we walked around and had fun and watched the sunrise which was gorgeous.

omg now i actually think joel is cute! and he was telling me about Gay Sex 101 HA which was like okay, educational and like S(a pansexual) who is extremely horny her sex drive is second to none and like she wanted to like rent a room(oh she's fucking rich and spend her money on sex escorts and stupid things omg) to do stuffs and i'm like noooooooo! okay then it was like weird and i'm like okay fine i'll be the photographer and director and like direct the scenes geez i wanted to make out with joel HA and we were talking about stuffs and i was like 'are you hard!!' and he went like 'Noo! you wanna touch?' (showing off the crotch part of his jeans) ha i think he wants to make out with me too! HAHAHAAHAH

i need to sleep, clubbing again tonight!