Insomnia.

Hello i'm having a pimple outbreak and it sucks. :(

and i really hate explaining to people how tough ERS can really be. i mean how far can words justify actions? so like i don't bother describing the shit i go through cos only my buddies there will understand.

at times i really feel like giving up and just be out of course. like it can be really bad and i really hate it like fuck this shit. i don't want to do this at all.

i think you're so hot i think i like you kthxbye

Sometimes i feel that i give a very unapproachable and hostile face, it might give a wrong impression to others. So like i try to look more friendly and approachable or like don't look at them at all i think i suck. I should like give a less stuck-up face or something. (am referring to strangers anyway)

I've made many good friends there :D It's gonna be BTM next week = hell. I just hope my knee cap will improve and won't be painful anymore.

I'm actually quite pissed and I DON'T KNOW WHY. fuck. (omg saying fuck is such a therapy lol)

We were sitting with our backs against the world.

Sometimes i think it's better to think of the worst. Cos things will always be better than that, somehow, in one way or another. What can be worst than worst right? Worst is the ultimate, an end to a spectrum of the extreme.

So, sometimes, it's best to give up. And think of the worst.

Also, when you throw the towel in, completely or half-heartedly, hope will dissipate. And without hope, there will be no disappointment.

We will then, be happier.

Like the rocket, it shines through.

Sore throat, it hurts.

I sort of can't believe that i did what i did. An adventure, you may say. But, i actually don't want to fall too deeply into such pits.

God, save and forgive me.

If they can do it, SO CAN I.

It feels so surreal how we all are growing up so fast, too fast in fact. Like i would still go, "Wow, i'm in NS right now". Then, Speechless.


And it feels strange because i thought NS will never come, and at that point of time, i really can't imagine how i will be in NS. And besides, the big A levels are over. Another turning point. One after the other.


I guess that's how life works. Like they say, Change is the only constant. I'll Just ride along with the waves and get used to whatever come by.

I know i can do this. Persevere and endure.

Turn the time back. And rewind it to the precious moments of my life.

I totally didn't agree when yuan went something like, "Actually it's better, if you just leave normally without any plans or celebrations to send you off."(something like that, when we were in the balcony)

But now, i think he's totally right. like how i am literally choking up with emotions right now cos the prospect of leaving my buddies to serve the freaking nation is totally not cool. and how my friends are being such nice and loving souls (omg jerm your entry made my eyes watery haha i think that's the furthest i can go cos i don't cry for nuts so that IS a big deal).

okay and scotty and azn didn't wait :( well its probably like 1 plus am for scotty and 5 plus am for azn BUT STILL :( they go like ''we must talk before you leave" but grr i think it was a little too late :( sigh, i really don't want to leave.

haha scotty sent an offline message :D

Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:17 PM:
hey baby
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:17 PM:
sorry i can't talk to you live but i am unable to lol
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:17 PM:
i wana wish you luck and best wishes for NS for the next few weeks
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:18 PM:
i can't wait till i talk to you
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:18 PM:
have fun and don't make a move on any guys without my permission ok?
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:18 PM:
hahaha
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:19 PM:
all the best baby
Scotty sent 1/5/2009 11:19 PM:
love scotty xoxoxoxoxxo

HAHA ignore the baby thing it's totally one-sided. i like someone else hahaha sneaky :D

ANYWAY lovelies! take good care of yourself yeah? see you guys soon like really soon, and by then i hope you guys are still as lovely as always! omg hope our friendship becomes stronger with the test of time! love you guys to bits <3

Clubbingg laterrrrrrrrr but am not exciteddddddddddd

Hi i don't know why i'm feeling so blue and jaded lately like even tho i'm clubbing my ass off, i actually don't really feel good.

like how i feel clubbing is just a form of escapism and is simply a momentary thing. i don't know how i'm feeling but just .....................

i'm not sure if its NS-related i really don't want to think about it i don't know i don't know i don't know. its really amazing how i really get NS shit out of my head but now c'mon, it's like 3 more days.

sigh.

Let's just give fate a new name.

Hi i'm feeling exhausted and i'm having cramps on my legs. and i really really can't believe that i got grinded by that guy who we all agreed was hot and we were totally checking him out.(read 1st entry) and that white american guy too. jeez i really wasn't expecting anything of that sort at all. ha insecurities issue.

and i'm listening to some chinese song and i'm feeling all mopey and sad omg NS next tues! i can't believe it, either. and i miss him :((((((( but i guess that bold decision was the best one. for the long run.

time heals.

I want to be a better person.

Hi i think 2008 has been a great year. I've strengthened relationship with my friends, became more concerned of others, less self-centred and became more appreciative of people and the world, in general. i've given more love to others and have received more love than ever before. <3

i think i've became less petty and self-absorbed. i've became more open and forgiving, i've learnt to let go. i've learnt that looks are not everything, friends are everything. i think i've been less superficial and collected. i'm loving myself more.

for 2009, i really want to be closer to God and get away from negative influences. i want to try my best in committing less sins as possible and do more good deeds to be enlightened. i want to be fearless, i don't want to regret anything that i do. i want to give my all, i want to shower as much love as i can to my loved ones. i want to be open to everything but be restrained at some point by being aware of not crossing the line. i don't want to be scared of anything, i don't want to be worried by every little fear. i don't want to feel uncomfortable and worried. i want to break free. i want to do it even though my heart is scared and is resisting.(good things, challenges, obstacles)

i want to be myself. i don't want to be shy to strangers. i want to make the first move, i want to say HI first. i want a man! i want to be have a hot bod. i want to be carefree. i want to be friendly and more sociable. i want to learn more jokes. i want to have more guts. i want to mince my words. i don't want to hurt/offend people. i want to be in good terms with everyone. i want to be less bitchy. i want to be nicer. i want to read more, i want to be smarter.

i just don't want to be afraid or not do things just because i don't feel comfortable. i want to break the boulders within me and challenge myself.

"Den let that stupid mentality go"

okay i had to say this before i sleep omg i am damn tired already okay but Hanisa is such an angel. okay she went along too yesterday and she was damn hot and S(who likes everyone in terms of sexual orientation, gender, whatever) go ga-ga over Hanisa and they even made out! the kissing scene was hot.

one of the main reasons why i always dont take the first move is because i am very screwed up mentally. like i would always think that those cute gays may think i'm not hot or good-looking enough so i'll get very insecure and paranoid so that restrained me ALOT. so guys always hook me up first or thats it. and i do regret like yesterday, there was this cute guy and he was buff and he was dancing so close to me we could actually grind each other but i was too insecure i didn't even look at his face when we danced i was like looking uninterested all the time :( AH FUCK.

so yeah, but Hanisa always go like omg dont be dumb you're hot yada yada yada i was actually not convinced. but she's said it so many times i think i'm a bit more convinced HAHA. like she sent this text and i thought it was sweet :

"Den let that stupid mentality go! Seriously you ARE hot and good-looking and fun and you're definitely attractive so stop being stupid seriously".

AWWW. i'm gonna keep this text for life and be motivated when i club. HAHA. okay, tonight, for the first time, i really hope i will make the first move. FedEx all your guts to me!
'

Eventful New Year's.

Hi world you're probably snoring away right now but i just came back and i went straight to the laptop cos i'm actually still high and am not exactly tired though like i went out like 8pm(was 45 minutes late) and reached home like now which is near 11am.

clubbing rocks socks, even though it was with 2 complete strangers(one of them was a gay) whom i've never met at all and a good friend who looked hot, really hot in fact. went to a gay club(yeah duh), was queuing for PLAY when we realised that the guys were actually quite ugly so Joel suggested Taboo which we did. have never been to Taboo but i think the guys there are fucking hot.

LIKE SHIRTLESS CLUBBING WITH FUCKING HOT AND BUFF BODY omg i think i died many times there.

we were pretty early so we went like woo no one's here yet. there was no one on the dance floor and apparently, this guy whom we all agreed was hot he doesnt look asian mix i think(lets call him HOTTIE HAHA), was dancing with his friend. we(2 gays, 1 pansexual and 1 bisexual) were like 'OMG hot look at his arms, and his butt look so tight' HHA. okay lets call him HOTTIE, typed that in case you forgot cos he will be in the scene later.

okay then, after some time the dance thing happened. so i was dancing like a mad cow, literally and perspiring like as if i ran 2.4 km for NAPFA. i think i didn't care much and just like danced and be crazy cos i'm like that in clubs ha. THEN, omg the joel guy who is gay whispered me like 'hey that white guy is staring at you' and i went like 'where?! which' and he went like 'JUST BESIDE YOU'.

OMG and before i knew it that white guy was right behind me and was grabbing my ass! and then, HE GRINDED ME from behind and i was like high and just went berserk and went along with it :D omg and then, that HOTTIE(guy above) came along and he said hi and i was like hi back and he grinded me next! it was like one after another, and the hottest thing was that HOTTIE was hard(his cock lol) when he grinded me and i was like omg omg omg hot hot hot. okay i died and lived again.

HAHA and then as normal grinded my friends and like make out HA joke and like do stuffs. some time later, that white guy came up to me again and grabbed my ass like again. geez but i was actually kinda lazy to like reciprocate so i just ignored him HAHAHA(and i was actually a bit shy too). okay i was excited 2 hot guys grinded me heh.

and like there were quite a number of guys who clubbed shirtless and was fucking buff and hot OMG i died again. okay we left like around 2 cos i was pretty bored and i had no guts and we walked around and had fun and watched the sunrise which was gorgeous.

omg now i actually think joel is cute! and he was telling me about Gay Sex 101 HA which was like okay, educational and like S(a pansexual) who is extremely horny her sex drive is second to none and like she wanted to like rent a room(oh she's fucking rich and spend her money on sex escorts and stupid things omg) to do stuffs and i'm like noooooooo! okay then it was like weird and i'm like okay fine i'll be the photographer and director and like direct the scenes geez i wanted to make out with joel HA and we were talking about stuffs and i was like 'are you hard!!' and he went like 'Noo! you wanna touch?' (showing off the crotch part of his jeans) ha i think he wants to make out with me too! HAHAHAAHAH

i need to sleep, clubbing again tonight!