Nothing's real until you let go completely.

I was reading through my previous entries and i realised that i've been through quite a lot. Events that have moulded me to be more matured and wise, ahhh the growing phases of a young adult who is trying to survive in this cruel world.

I'm feeling so lost and jaded. I long to love and be loved, i think i need to set a lower standard with realistic expectations because I've been living in fantasy all these while. Thoughts of my ideal partner are drilled with perfection in my head; perfect features, perfect body, perfect intelligence, perfect personality, a perfect person - basically an idol who possesses such traits and characteristics. Who am i kidding?

I need to stop living in denial. I need to stop being delusional. I need to be more real.

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It's moments like these which make me think. Think about my life and the way i live all these while. I want to let go completely but there are bound to be inevitable scraps and pieces buried deep within. It's hard.

I want to be out of the cage i've been living in. I'm envisioning myself running freely alongside pretty flowers and wide patches of greeneries. I'm alone. There's no one here and i feel emancipated. Nothing's bothering me, my mind's freed of problems and worries. I breathe deeply; the scent of freshness and liberation captivate my sense of smell.

This is perfect.

Suddenly, i hear thunderstorms. I woke up and realised It's all been a dream.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Alot of things have been happening recently, too much for me to handle. But, i'm taking it in my stride because i am too powerless to do anything anyway. I can't deny that life has been really cruel these days but i'm still holding on to my faith that there's always a blessing in disguise.

The humiliation and emotional turmoil i went through last few weeks were enough to break anyone. But, with Allah swt by my side, i made it through. Thank you Allah swt, without you, i'm nothing.

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Now, i fully understand that if things are not meant to be, no matter how close you are in getting it, you will still not get it. Oh well, Allah swt knows what's best for us so i believe we shouldn't worry too much. We are all safe in His plans. :)

These 6 months have been breathtaking and enriching. I've made so many friends, people from different backgrounds and personalities. I even befriended people i never thought i will be friends with.

Trainings were tough. BTM was crazy. Field and final exercises lived up to their reputation of being able to kill you. I went through every single thing.

I did.

But.... Maybe, it was all just not meant to be. It's okay, it's okay.

At least i went through it all. The experience is just ... priceless. Nothing beats it.

I thank God for allowing me to go through this. Even though the end product wasn't what i wanted, i'm still eternally grateful. The friends i met are enough to mask the feelings of disappointment and humiliation.

Thank You ALLAH SWT.

I am such a loser.

I am utterly disappointed with myself.

The pangs of insecurities buried deep within me have totally controlled my actions all the time, to the extent of letting golden opportunities slip by just like that.

FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING INSECURE?

Knnccb fuck.

I need more confidence and pluck up more courage to do what my heart says, without letting the fucking loser spirit springs up and own the world.

I need to be less superficial.

I need to stop being a loser and be scared of every single thing.

I think i need to just do it without thinking of the consequences. I must not be afraid of the aftermath. Just listen to my heart and go for it.

DON'T EVER HESITATE.