my new blog is www.thickrootsoflife.blogspot.com

with the year coming to an end, i would like to deliberately close this chapter of my life. all these whirlpool of extreme emotions have made me become so fragile and delicate. i've wasted my chances while hurting people along the way. and of course, i've been hurt myself.

i've had enough of wanting to be someone else because of the ideals i set. i don't want to be someone else anymore. i want to be myself. and i'm not gonna give a fuck about expectations. i'm not gonna restrain myself just because i think i'm not good enough(these happened UNCOUNTABLE times this year). the thing is, who will EVER be good enough? who defines 'good enough' anyway? there's no absolute measure of it because it is just a relative term. if you say someone is hot, you are comparing him/her to someone you have in mind and that in itself is subjective. everyone is beautiful regardless. we have our own set of strengths and weaknesses. we are unique, and to compare ourselves with someone else is absolutely unfair because there isn't any yardstick of comparison in the first place.

all these superficial crap can just rot in hell. i'm not gonna spend 24/7(i used to do it, no joke) of my time brooding over it/lamenting over things i don't have. what's the point? i'm not gonna let something i lack stop me from utilising what i have to the fullest potential. besides, all these superficial crap will only get you THAT far. it's ultimately your heart and brain that matter. i'm gonna work on that and rid my mind of temporal things.

i want to be happy. i'm gonna live. i'm gonna let go of everything meaningless, weep(but not wallow) and move on. i'm gonna embark 2011 with an open mind and a refreshing perspective. i'm gonna take risks and challenge myself. i'm gonna love like i've never been hurt before, because i know i'm strong enough to recover.

goodbye 2010, you've been such a bitch.

i was reading my old blog and i was so carefree back then. it felt so different right now, now let's talk about the present. things have changed; i have transformed into this vulnerable and weak person who is just so insecure about everything. how i wish things are much simpler than this

last thing on my mind.

i was reminiscing about the things that happened this year, and i was surged by a wave of nostalgia.

i almost cried.

today, i learnt how to be numb. i learnt the art of suppression, and the ability to be nonchalant about everything(even the seemingly interesting things that make me go hysterical).

i like it, i like how it is able to not feel anything. i want to feel this way everyday. it feels as though my soul has detached itself and i'm walking on a floating platform where my feet can't touch the ground

"i'm there, yet at the same time, i'm not there. so where am i?"

NO.

i refuse to think; i don't want to open up that gateway of thoughts which are running amok all over the place. i don't ever want to leave it bare for you to stamp your prints on them. get out, get out - leave this place. don't trespass the boundary. get out

i don't want to know how to feel anymore cos my depth of emotions have been too extreme. it's so ~tiring~. it's on the abyss of destruction, even the slightest ray of hope can't be seen to shed some light(at the very least). i want to break open my chest, take out my bloody heart and chuck it aside for people to fiddle and smash them into little insignificant pieces. they were never treasured in the first place, anyway. there's no worth in it. it's -nothing-.

i shall numb myself. being numb is the way to go

i was chatting with this guy who is attached but is having some problems with his boyfriend and so, he's looking for a random person to have sex with. well, i'm not particularly surprised because such acts are very very common. i see it too often, and this very fact makes me lose hope in the gay society. my hopes are never high in the first place, anyway. but it makes me realise how loose and temporary this is. it's all so transitory; full of lies, deceit and betrayals. but time and again, we surrender ourselves to such perils for reasons i'm totally unaware of(because i'm in this too)

you know sometimes i wish i'm straight. trust me, i'll be SO much happier(and no, it's not that easy to change)

'you let go of everything meaningless'

a million and one thoughts were coursing through my mind just now, and i had this very sudden urge to write but i was outside. now, they have degenerated to specks of nothingness and i feel empty. i shall let go of everything meaningless, worthless things which would trigger panic and anxiety attacks more often than not - because these very reasons make me wander along Life like a bird without any wings

shall slowly get the whole fucking superficial-related things like face and body and clothes and everything associated out of my fucking mind NO ATTENTION SHALL BE GIVEN BECAUSE THEY DON'T DESERVE IT

it is really easy to be swept by the winds of discontentment as you embark on the devilish journey of comparing yourself with others. there are DEFINITELY people way better than you, but there are also people who are less fortunate. we should stop comparing ourselves with the better ones because we have our own unique strengths, and that is good enough. it is okay to view them as a source of inspiration but that should be all.



besides, it is important to realise that God doesn't owe us anything. thus, that would make us appreciate every single opportunity that He has blessed is with.



be thankful, and make the best out of every second. be happy :)

some things are just better off flushed out of the system, there isn't a need to unlock THAT door of memories.

stop trying so hard, leave it to Him and let it all go.

PEACE

feel the love

i thank God for making me fall in love with the English Language since young. this interest has been nurtured and enhanced every single day, and it's such a gift because it makes me feel better. writing is cathartic; it releases my inner soul.

i feel exposed and free when i write. it's as though nothing else exists and it's only me and my hands and the laptop and my mind reliving such memories. in moments of extreme emotions, penning(or typing) down my thoughts seem to be the only remedy.

i woke up feeling fresh and eager for a new day. it's been long since i truly felt this way. i left the house with a big smile plastered on my face. i felt good. i went to work and told myself that today will be better than yesterday. i shall not bother about unnecessary thoughts that are lingering in my mind. look bitch, i'm in control. get out you whore

i felt the happiness radiating from my smile. my boss told me that the OIC said i have a very warm smile. when i smile, all the queries will be solved - that's her exact quote. that brightened up my day. :)

everyday is a learning journey, and for this phase of life, i'm on a quest to love myself more. a good friend tell me that i deserve to be happy, simply because i'm loved. i have many friends who love me for who i am, even with my flaws and shortcomings. thinking about it, he's right. i am blessed. i should count my blessings. i have wonderful people in my life who truly love and care for me.

and that is good enough. such love is justified to tell me that i'm good enough. and that means i should love myself for who i am. because such love comes from people who REALLY matter, and that in itself is something magical

i've been feeling very uneasy these days. it's as though there's alot of things on my mind, and the only thing i want to do is to leave this place. there are so much memories here, i've had enough - i want new ones. i want new routines, a different direction to walk with nothing in mind. i want peace. my mind has been shrouded with thoughts that shouldn't even exist

i don't remember the last time i laughed with such sincerity till it shines. my eyes are so dead when i laugh, it's as though the life in me has long drifted away from it's owner. oh wait, who's the owner? i don't even have an identity; i think i'm an amalgamation of my ideals placed on different people i wish i am. one day, i'm this person and i'm another the next. it's like i'm running in a track full of endless gorgeous robes and these are all mine. i change costume every single day but it's not exhaustive so i still have hope. in becoming someone else. other than myself.

sometimes i wish i'm not so attuned to my emotions. sometimes i wish i'm not as receptive to the exterior facade of the world, because it's so ugly and soul-numbing. i want to let go, but it's as though i've been stamped with such motherfucking thoughts which are just bound to kill. it's really fucking hard to stop them from circulating within my system. they've taken control and i'm just a slave

sigh, i don't know what to do anymore. the heaviness of being alive has paved it's way, bearing fruits of suicidal tendencies. i bare my all in the open field of thorns - do anything as you deem fit. i have nothing within me to fight.

i give up

these few days have been a mental wreck; clinging onto hopes of perfection never seem to wriggle it's way out of the system despite forceful pleas. it has been penetrated deeply and it needs to be annihilated, before it cast irreversible damage.

let go let go let go LET GO FUCK

was major stressed up at work because i set an unreasonably high expectations of myself. wanted to master everything all at one shot, and it was obviously impossible. will take it step by step tomorrow. and have fun!!! NO PRESSURE NO PRESSURE

it's amazing how some things turn out, especially when you don't expect anything because you know expectations beget disappointments. it's like leaving yourself in the open space, vulnerable and weak, but you still wade along the waves of Uncertainty. the dangers seem imminent, the waves MAY turn violent(or never at all) but you move on. and eventually, what looms before you is a magnificent view of the wide open space of clear-blue waters and the most beautiful rainbow you've ever set your eyes on

keeps haunting you

out of hundreds in the chatroom, more often that not, the anonymous person i'm chatting with end up to be someone i know. someone whom i've had acquaintance with, of all forms and levels, and in most cases, someone whom i don't wish to be acquainted with anymore. it has happened so many times. our nicknames are not even remotely similar to the ones we've used before. it's like finding a pin in the haystack, but this time round, it's not by chance anymore.

this is fate.

i was writing about an entry about how ungrateful we humans are, but it got too deep and emotional. i didn't want to continue.

++

it's strikingly familiar how we are consciously aware doing stuffs we know will break our hearts, but we dived in foolishly nonetheless, because these very acts make us feel like we're finally alive. albeit painful, it made us breathe... and pulsate our hearts; palpitating them to the speed of sound.

just a thought which is not true btw

'it's too late. you're gone, and all i wish for is for time to rewind. i miss you, and your smell that lingers in me after our hug. i love how you held me so tight every single time. you never wanted to let me go. you told me i was the best for you. i said the same thing.

but.. i just said the exact words to someone else yesterday.

i got a job! the pay may not exactly be awesome, but i guess it's about the experience. i shall just take whatever that comes along my way, and not expect too much out of it :) i shall enjoy myself!


God is fair. realised that whenever something bad happened before, be rest assured that you'll be blessed with something joyful thereafter.

it rained initially, then it got really hot after that. i was perspiring all the time and it was unglam. i screwed up the first interview, i was a nerve-wreck, was half an hour late and my answers were retarded. after that, i was told that i had to rush to another place for another interview. i had to be there in fifteen minutes. THAT WAS INTENSE. the weather was crazy, i knew i definitely couldn't make it in time, i walked SOO much already and my legs were killing me. i wanted to just give up and grab a drink at Starbucks or something. but, something in me persisted. i didn't know what it was. i reached the place 15 minutes late and thankfully, the interview has not started. the interviewer was really nice, but the session was really intense. i was pretty nervous but thank God, i maintained my composure and delivered. i wasn't as nervous as i thought, and i was actually confident. i felt good about it, but i didnt' want to expect alot because i know the competition was pretty stiff. left it all to Him, at least i've tried anyway. a few hours later, i got a phonecall telling me that i got the job! hail the Almighty :)


another testimony to point out. i would always cut my hair at this particular shopping centre, the lady is good. my brother recommended me. even though she is awesome, somehow or rather, i wouldn't be TOTALLY satisfied after a haircut. i would be a bit disappointed, because she didn't exactly live up to my expectations. but i would still go again, because i wanted to give her a chance(or chances, rather). there was this particular time when i went without any cash. i wanted to withdraw the money at that shopping centre. after walking for 20 minutes there from my place, under the sweltering heat of the sun, imagine the agony and frustration when i found out that the ONLY ATM machine in that place was faulty. the only thing i could do(it didn't cross my mind at all that i can pay via nets in her salon; i'm such a blonde sometimes) was to go over to bpp just to withdraw some cash. i didn't have any choice. i did just that, but of course while cursing and swearing five million words per minute. it was SO hot, and everyone knew the sun is not exactly my bestfriend. i hated the whole experience. it was just very disastrous. i went back to the salon, told her what i want, and finally got a haircut. this time round, i was FULLY satisfied! i loved it, and it was exactly what i wanted.


see, if things don't go your way, don't give up! endure, especially if you think it's worth it. persevere and carry on. with His help(definitely), you'll be rewarded. it will be MUCH sweeter since you've gone through so much heh.

it is really sad when the spark and chemistry are apparent, conversations are smooth; they last for hours and words glide through effortlessly, but those are not enough because the physical exterior is not up to expectations.

superficiality at its own peril

i woke up, recalling to myself all the weird dreams that i had, found it really amusing and i wanted to share it here; but slowly, bit by bit, these dreams dissipate from the fountain of my memory. they're all gone

body clock's still screwed, i don't know what to do with it anymore.

on the way back from gym, i was in the bus, forming incoherent thoughts in my mind(as always) and imagining how awesome it would be if there's a telepathic signal to my blog, which directly regurgitates whatever i am thinking at that particular point of time. my blog would have been infinitely long

went to the library and i got all excited and i squealed like a little girl. i love libraries. they give me this very home-ly feeling, like the whole idea of being swarmped with books really hyped me up. it's like an adrenaline rush, those that you get when you see a hot guy, or your boyfriend/girlfriend whom you've not met for a year. i borrowed 7 books of very diverse topics and scopes, i love it. i'm happy. books make me genuinely happy

just got off the phone with the guy i'm dating. i was a nerve-wreck, and i REALLY wanted to sleep my night away and not talk. i'm very anxious when it comes to phone conversations, i'm strange like that. i would avoid them as much as possible(with a guy whom i like of course) i fear the way i sound might turn them off, or the way i enunciate my words . i know i have to maintain my cool and sound manly. this is totally pressurizing, so i just avoid it altogether

i think the phone convo wasn't as smooth as it should be. he was really nice. it was my fault. i was holding myself back most of the time; my responses were not as active nor bubbly like his.

ah why am i even saying this. i don't give a shit about guys. no expectations = no disappointments. screw guys and dicks bye

am trying really hard to sleep but my body clock is mega screwed up. all the parties and sleepovers have caused me insomnia. now, i can only peacefully sleep at 4 freaking AM. even if i tried my damnest to sleep earlier, i'll toss and turn in bed repeatedly, eventually sleeping a few hours later. fuck this shit seriously

and it's this time of the day when i feel really nostalgic and reminiscent. i miss certain people....... and and yeah that's about it. plus, i need to stop running away from problems just because i think it's tough to handle. come on, i CAN do this. nothing's too tough to handle(it's all in the mind, it's all in the mind)

i need to quickly embrace change and not get stuck in a rat hole for long. i'd be only digging my own grave..

and i should stop caring about temporal things because they are Simply Not Worth it. why bother wasting time on them, when i could better channel my energy and effort into something which is more tangible, rewarding and beneficial. so, fuck superficialities and let's empower practicality.

who's in?

i already am.

now.. now, you're stepping on my boundary. (but hell yeah, you're looking all good and masculine, empowered and strong.) the gate's locked but you're loosening the grip with your sheer words and trust. and hope and love. and your sincerity to wanting to make this work.

but there's another door right ahead and it cannot be pried open. for now.

need more time xoxo

hi

i was watching antm on youtube yesterday, and it so happened that just now, starworld showed britain's next top model for a few hours till the winner was announced. i think it's fate.

and coincidentally(or rather by a twist of fate), the girl i was rooting for the entire time ended up second place for both shows. it got annoying because they both are evidently stronger than the winner. their bone structures are phenomenal, their photos are beyond magnificent and their walks are fiercer.

yet, they didn't win. MEGA HMPH

it got me thinking. i guess one of the reason why they didn't win was probably their stand-offish attitude. it's like, 'girl i have EVERYTHING in me. i WILL definitely win this, it's in MY hands!'. and one more point to note, the winners seem like they REALLY want it super badly(well i'm sure my girls want it too, but i guess the way they delivered their sincerity wasn't that convincing).

so lesson learnt : Be humble, and make sure your passion comes across sincerely. i think that would make a winner from a runner-up.

it's really funny and ~tiring~ how i transform into so many different personalities while watching television programmes. i would be emotionally charged and imbued each time, feeling so strong for each persona, while slowly becoming into the character him/herself. i entangle myself into the webs of deceit and lies, each and every time, till i feel suffocated and i would stop watching the show altogether. or even if i do continue watching, i will silently pray hoping that i won't turn out like them, and it's not amusing anymore when i do it every single time.

i'm so paranoid.

when you tend to catastrophize things, reality will never be as bad as it seems.

BE POSITIVE.

realised that i'm very contented with simple pleasures in life, i would forego partying for a night of htht conversations which is rewarding and easy.

i'm beginning to let go because bearing a grudge would make me an evil person. i would harbour heinous thoughts which are detrimental to my well-being, and i might even lose grip of reality and myself. even though it's hard to just hoist the white flag, i know i'll emerge stronger.

xx

today was fun! hung out with new friends, at one of their cribs, just wasting our life away talking about everything and anything. i was dunking my oreo into the milk, and my hands and lips got messy. we all laughed about it, in pure fun and enjoyment. ate chic rice and some beef rendang, with chips thereafter. this was actually our second meet-up but we all felt comfortable with each other. this is nice, i love making new friends whom i can easily open up to

gym tmr, i hope i'm not lazy.

xx

it's tiring how i try really hard sometimes but it just backfired. like how i really try to maintain a good impression of myself but i screwed up. i form a million thoughts in my mind, commanding myself on how i should respond or act in a particular situation. i would mentally plan my words before saying them out, or i would actually envision beforehand how my body language would be. yes, i am THAT critical of myself

yet, most of the times, it doesnt work out and i really hate myself.

maybe, i shouldn't even try. i'm so tired of trying.

alone times don't have to be depressing! they can be fun and entertaining.

AHHH I'M FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF EVERYTHING CHAO CHEE BYE

a place without any inhibitions.

the feeling of being intoxicated is so liberating. it feels as though i'm in my own world.

i don't have to care about what people would think. expectations don't matter; they're non-existent. i dance to my groove; i don't care if it's ugly, retarded or gay. i'm blinded to the world around me, it's just a confined world where i'm at - i can't see the rest. i don't care if they're looking because for once, people don't matter. i don't care what they would perceive me to be. i don't fear judgements and discriminations. i'm just alone in my world and beyond the boundary of it, it's none of my care and concern. i don't even want to give a damn because they don't matter. the person that only matters is me, because i'm the only one living.

oh man, i want to be drunk every single day.

now, i'm scared. you want me to let my guards down? wouldn't that mean you have the power to destroy me?

and if i let you in- what if you hold a knife and aim it right at my heart, and slash it mercilessly cos you're done with me?

but your words.... they ring at my ears, and touched me at the small, deluded corners within. i'm trying to run away, but i don't ever wanna leave. you held me back, but. i'm scared. i don't have the guts to do this(again). i just don't dare. i'm scared.

did i just say i'm scared?

but i love you. oh fuck did i just say i love you?

its like i don't know what to say, or even do anymore. i'm done trying so hard now i just wanna fuck everything off and just let go. leave it to God. leave it to Him. have faith. He'll work wonders. don't try. just live.

we're just a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam, anyway. what can we do?? we're nameless parts of a collective entity.

yes. we're just a dust. we're nameless.

we're insignificant. we're just.. useless.

(i seriously have no idea what triggered off the above-mentioned. i'm neurotic like that)

now i need to breathe. and have some peace in my mind. don't know how though

boo

i don't know why but my head hurts so much it feels as though a bodybuilder just whacked it so hard. okay, i'm exaggerating. but it normally hurts this much when i have a million and one thoughts popping into my head and it is not even fucking funny.

i'm done with NS. there were moments(so many, in fact) when i told myself how much i fucking hate it, how much i can't wait to be done with it, and how i will never ever miss it. i guess i spoke too soon.

I MISS NS ALREADY :(

i seriously feel that NS has been SUCH an epic phase in my life. God knows what i went through- the emotional rollercoaster rides(that are just too much to handle), the burgeoning stress, the soaring and escalating expectations, the OC, breakouts, NSPAM, TMS, never-ending MCs, friends, quarrels with friends, ''i'm so done with him, he's OUT OF MY LIFE'', betrayals, backstabbing, break-ups, cries, tears......

i don't even know where to begin(or end for that matter). the friends i've made are beyond awesome; they've made life in FFTC(Fire-Fighting Training Centre) so so so much more bearable. i've never really had many guy friends prior to NS, because i've felt that i can't click with them(oh man this sounds weird). but NS has blessed me with many of those, who are genuine and sincere - brothers whom you know you can count/depend on.

aww this is so sad. i don't ever wanna grow up. this always happens, a chapter closes just when it's about to finally begin. sigh

it's weird how i wanted to write so much more but i ended up writing like just one paragraph or something.

and, somehow, i feel pretty imbued with emotions that sprung up from the abyss of nothingness. am missing some people whom i know i shouldn't. why can't life be easier? why must it be complicated and not go just according to plan? or desires? or wishes?

i'm letting go

today was a culmination of pent-up emotions which were just about to explode any second. i felt like screaming and crying and pulling my ugly hair strand by strand till i'm completely bald. then i'll commit suicide after that.

:)

i've been feeling really blue and down these days and i know that the reason for that was due to the fact that i was thinking/worrying too much over unnecessary/temporal/superficial things that are just bound to sink me deeper into bouts of insecurities.

so i say; fuck it, let go and be happy.

:)

it's so weird how i'm like OKAY NO NO I'M NOT DOING THAT but ten minutes later, i'm doing just that.

i'm still as fickle-minded as ever.

this week has been tough, i think God gives me so much challenges because He wants me to remember Him(which i do, of course) and plus, He knows i can conquer them anyway.

BRING IT ON.

sometimes i feel like writing so much but i'm holding myself back. i don't want to sound like an emotional wreck all the freaking time.

my life is so awesome repeats 850948503948450874-984545045894038 times.

will be done with NS in 5 working days. let's not talk about work.

i think my writing abilities have been sub-standard and i'm utterly disgusted with myself.

i've changed so much i don't know what i've become. i don't know what caused the change, and i don't know if it's for the betterment of myself.

i'm lost.

i want to control my life so much so that i feel empty and jaded. i'm done trying.

now, i just wanna live.

it's moments like these which make me feel that i have nothing to justify for what i feel strongly for, because everything is so warped and wrong, but people perceive it as the norm.

i think the world's gonna end, i better repent before it's too late

It's time.

i was reading a blog post about this girl who hazily plunged herself into depression, and how she lost so much along the way. now, this phase of life(JC period) has come and gone, but with this, so much opportunities have been wasted. her potential(which is something of a stellar standard) was not maximized. in life, you'll lose some, but you'll also gain some. now, she has recovered from her mental illness.

after reading it, i teared.

i felt so much for that post because i could relate to it(if you know me well, you know what i meant). it helped that this girl writes so well, her description of even simple and trivial events would develop into something so deep and beautiful. i aspire to write like that.

for now, i'm not gonna waste my chances anymore. i want to try. even if i failed, at least i tried. i'll never know if i didn't try. i'm gonna make things work, because i've been floating for too long. it's time to make a change.

thank You!

i'm seeing things in a new shift of paradigm, a positive paradigm of hope and positivity. i used to think saying it will jinx it(and it DID, anyway) and although sometimes things are beyond our control, i AM determined that this feeling of pure happiness and bliss will stay. for long.

i'm thankful for my friends. they've done soooo much for me, and this exact feeling of gratitude drives and propels me to do even more for them. i'm willing to go to great lengths because i know they're worth it.

oh gosh i thank God for blessing me with such wonderful souls <3

i think i'm getting better. I WILL GET BETTER. I WILL.

it's okay to fail because that just means there's hope to improve yourself.

i don't have to be perfect. i just have to be 'okay', because that is good enough.

i am good enough, for myself.

expect nothing, and don't put on pressure on yourself because it will all be okay.

everything will be okay.

i wanna be happy, i will learn to let go

hey

i told myself i would never give in, i would fight. i'd give all i have.

but now, i'm running back to the same old cave, with boulders that smell of familiarity and comfort. how ironic.

i would continue to fight, i...will......try....

i have so much things to say, but i don't know where to start. this site seems to be a ranting ground, a safety net or a haven, somehow. i'd come back when i feel defeated. i've lost alot these few weeks but i refused to come back here because i don't want to admit it. i don't want to officially acknowledge my loss. i'm not a loser. i hate to lose.

i want to get out of my soul(if that's remotely possible). i need to let go

'Identity and self-worth are not based on looks'.

i thought i was fine.

but the truth is, i'm not.

(i'm just vvvv tired mentally and i just want to leave everything behind. go far far far away from here, leave all these memories behind and start afresh in somewhere new. i need to breathe. i've been suffocating all these while. my nerves are blue. can you hear me crying? can you see those tears brimming? it's just a step away from the edge but i'm holding myself back, because i know(yes i know) that i can do this. i will fight. i'll give it my all. i'll do it.)

'if you look for perfection, you'll never be contented'

contrary to what people believed, i'm actually a perfectionist by nature(though i may not appear to be one). and i care ALOT about what other people think/expect of me so much so that i really wonder if the life i'm living is mine or just a play directed by others

(i think those two points above are the root of my problem)

sometimes i just wish that i'm braindead for a while because i'm fucking sick and tired attending to these thoughts that will never stop

they come haunting me mercilessly, while i'm stuck in a small spot with the four walls roaring its face at me, and together with the ceiling and the ground, they edge closer, closer and closer, squeezing me till i eventually vanish into thin air

If it's not worth it, don't hang on to it.

some stuffs are better propagated, while some are better locked within, inside the deep recesses of our heart.

but today, in the case of the latter, the lid was slightly pried open and it was left ajar for quite some time. bitter memories flashed like lightnings in the twinkling of an eye, causing emotional waves to roar the recessing shoreline.

yet, the pain wasn't as acute as before. it was manageable and transitory, much better than expected. this just goes to show how i've really moved on, albeit not completely, but somewhere along that route.

now, i just need time to heal the scars. Amin.

needs retail therapy!

more often than not, we're too engrossed in our own problems and imperfections till it almost becomes a selfish pursuit. it's as thought this is all just a vent and we feed it every single day with TLC till it becomes a part of us. but it's not exactly intentional, blame it on the circumstances around us.

i know i deserve better, i just need to stop holding myself back and JUST RISK IT

STORY OF MY LIFE

(wanted desperately to type an entry which is embroiled with such self-hatred and doubt a few nights ago but i decided to sleep it away because i still have so much more to achieve, and i shouldn't be too self-critical like i always am. sounds contradicting but true)

it has been a hell of a week, but my mind was relatively serene and tranquil. there were moments when i just wanted to give up there and then. miraculously, by His grace, i survived.

i need to tell myself that i'm human and IT IS OKAY to make mistakes. i never used to care what my boss thinks of me, but recently, i do. this has become a pressing concern because i feel -very- pressurized and i do not allow myself to make a single mistake AT ALL.

truth be told, i made a mistake just now.

i literally just went berserk and i felt very very affected. it's as though the whole world just came crashing down on me(not exaggerating) and i felt like a total loser. i didn't want to continue work because i developed a phobia in just a matter of minutes.

i couldn't take the pressure and withdrew from my seat. decided to sit alone in some secluded corner, with a throbbing headache which culminated into a migraine; with so many negative thoughts racing past each other, colliding and erupting into explosions every single time

eventually calmed down and talked myself out of it. survived yet another mental ordeal with His help :) thank God i managed to complete quite an obscene amount of work.

CANT WAIT TO ORD KTHXBYE

kthxbye

how i wish i'm the only one in this world and it's all perfect and rosy and everything's going MY way without any deviation or expectations or pressure or hope

i kid.

You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.

i had htht sessions with awesome people and it makes me feel good about myself because

1) i feel honoured when they chose to pour out their grieving souls to ME
2) whatever they told me was secretive, something no one else knows; ''i've never told anyone before, so please keep this to yourself''. ---- i find this vvvvvv satisfying(it's like they've placed such great trust and faith in this friendship. this really touched me in ways words can't describe)

and that just made me feel that i've a purpose in life. INSERTS MEGA SMILEY HERE

(i just typed an entire entry subsconciously and i feel that i don't have to reiterate myself every single time, but it's so ironical because i tend to do it all the same. deleted it off btw)

today, i was reminded of God's greatness; His fairness shows.

every single obstacle and grief will be compensated by a wealth of joy and happiness because He'll never leave you out in the dark. He'll eventually wrap you in His arms, His ever-receiving arms which are full of acceptance and hope. the phase will tide down and you'll never suffer for long.

He'll save you. :)

:)

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again

L

moments like this make me feel doubtful about the meaning in life because it's so subjective and relative like WHERE IS THE FIXED CONSTANT THAT I NEED TO FALL BACK ON?

sigh.

being in denial helps, cos it makes me happy. :D way to go you delusional crap

sigh

realised that whenever i'm alone, my mind will wander on its own to unchartered territories which are bound to shred my soul to bits and pieces of nothingness; ripping it apart and killing it brutally as time slowly ticks by...

i need to occupy my mind with something URGENTLY and leave EVERYTHING to God

oh God please help me :'(

Hi.

I turned 2o yesterday.

there was no feelings of extreme emotions deviated to a side or the other, it was mere apathy. it was indifferent and i really couldn't care less that i'm a year older now.

truth be told, it was just like any other day, rummaging through Life with such heavy heart and uncertainty.

i think i've grown quite a bit in the past year. the course of events that happened have made me mature and wiser. friendships mean so much more to me(unlike before) and i'm making a conscious attempt to maintain those that are 'worth it'.

in retrospect, i'm on a mission to ward away those that are deemed unworthy because they don't succumb to the laws of my Friendship Theory. once they don't operate by the rules and regulations, i'll -actively- make the whole friendship inactive because i'm not a superhuman who can handle 100 friendships. the minimum status quo would be 'good friends' and any 'friendships' below that status would be required to sign a Withdrawal Form(mentally).

hahaha sounds quite funny.

in a nutshell, i would keep those i love close at bay, and shun those who are not worth my time and effort. you know who you are <3

hi

i want to be everything i'm not and it's not helping when my confidence and motivation to actually do something hits rock-bottom; it's like as though i'm threading along waters of unknown territory with huge currents that are just bound to kill.

fuck i'm unique. i should love myself. i'm good enough. shall TRY to be less embroiled in stupid and negative thoughts every single day

let's see how long i'll last

+

am having faith that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it is. because the light will see me through, and it will give me strength and hope.

strength and hope... to believe that this is all just a phase, and this too, will pass. the invincible vacuum will come and suck all of the holes from the dark side, leaving the surface smooth and bright.

and the rainbows will colour my life, just as they promised.

Affirmations dont work all the time.

told myself that it's okay to make mistakes. cos i'm only human, and i'm far from perfect. what matters most is to pick myself up, even though it's hard and the gravity is ripping me apart. because that is the yardstick to define a loser from a winner. and i'm definitely the latter.

told myself that it's okay to fail expectations set by others, because i'm only human and i'm far from perfect. it's inevitable that i'll disappoint, but it's not okay that i keep on failing others. i need to be better, and this is a pressing need because i feel like i'm a loser.

told myself that i need some love within me for myself. because it's tiring living in an alternate reality where you want to be someone you're not, every single time. 'i want to be this, or that, and yes that way, or that particular way' - just anything and everything else apart from myself. because it's just so hard living in my own skin. but i'm only human and i'm far from perfect.

told myself so many times that i'm only human and i'm far from perfect but i've never believed those words.

hi

mustered courage to read freely without any thoughts lurking at all. protested against bumps and rocks and pebbles which disintegrated slowly, but surely in the mind. did not give any attention to any details but just rummaging every word head-on without any collision or stopping exits.

felt liberated.

NEED TO PEE BYE

Spinning.

it's so hard to read these days when i can't differentiate myself from the narrator. i get all mentally and emotionally exhausted after reading a few pages. have not yet learn to separate the feelings i feel for the characters from myself. i take on the heaviness and the downsides too often so much so that i begin to mutter prayers which goes along the lines of 'oh God pls don't let me be that' too many times.

i'm tired.

maybe i should start reading brainless books and become brainless as well.

(these marks are here to stay so just let them get out of my fucking head thanks)

hi

Am totally bored and i don't feel like doing anything at all and i've cancelled all plans today because i just feel like staying at home not doing anything but i'm bored to tears and i feel like running but i'm lazy.

rambling starts now.

sighhhhhhhhhh shall attempt to blog only positive things but i'm sure this plan will fail terribly and disgustingly. okay let me whine for the *last time.

omg i'm even lazy to whine kthxbye.

2 ghosts in 1 mirror.

it's pretty appalling and downright -scary- how my mind works.

i'm so used to be in denial and structuring my mind in a particular warped way that it permeates easily through all situations of varying contexts.

for example, if the situation is something as of A, but my mind is used to accept it as B, it would AUTOMATICALLY be converted to B without any shadow of doubt. and my mind refuses to accept it as A, even though the symptoms and signs are blatantly skewed towards it.

sounds like i'm so used to be wrapped up in my world of ideals and perfection and i refuse to accept any flaws(or changes for that matter) into my life. am probably too sheltered in my cocoon of 'comfort zones' and i just can't seem to get out of it.

THIS FREAKS ME OUT.

A walkway.

figured that there's no point holding on to something that is perfect and ideal. cos you'll never get it; that would never materialize, and what's left would be a string of brutal disappointments(which is stupid cos YOU KNOW it's bound to happen yet you persistently plunge yourself into this gorge of self-destruction)

so perhaps, it's just best to let go and not expect anything at all.

HI STOP COMPARING PLEASE.

how can these inferiority complex shitasses not sink in when you feel like a complete loser knowing people who are going to Ivy League, while at the same time, they are sporty and is smoking hot with style, charisma and maturity?

i completely sound like a loser.

but whatever, i know i am good enough and there are so many people worse off than me. i'm grateful, contented and am absolutely thankful to God. <3

HI.

You try your hardest but things don't work out and so you feel sick and tired of trying; it's like hope dissipates from the whole sea of Faith.

It's like you try SO hard, peppered with prayers to the Almighty, because it means SO much to you.

But you get disappointed, because they either don't work out, or things got exacerbated. So now, what should you do?

Persevere?

Try something new? (But you're so scared to step out of your comfort zone. Or even if you want to, you get all suppressed by the ideas of perfection till you freak yourself out doing something new. You try a million and one ways to yield perfect results. But you failed a million and one times. Simply because, nothing is perfect.)

---

Move on.

Let go.

GIVE UP!

RESIST.

figured that once i've succumbed, the hole gets deeper and wider.

note to self : RESIST.

Bittersweet.

figured that i have been too emotionally unstable these days and it's not doing me any good(though i know it's not but it's hard to let go)

and this reminds me of Sober's "Nothing's real until you let go completely"

How apt.

+++

though i know this feeling of empowerment and emancipation from the dark side is fleeting and transitory, at least it happened. short, but better than nothing at all. besides, all good things will come to an end(sooner or later). gotta be grateful and make the best out of it while it lasts.

and the source of such positive energy was from www.givesmehope.com and www.sixbillionsecrets.com. i was automatically lifted off from my world of self-destruction.

made me realise that i have so much to live for, and i should be really contented because there are so many people out there who are in a worse situation than i am.

and am totally thankful because i have so many awesome friends around me, and i totally can't live without them. love you guys till my heart stops beating <3

Fuck this world and every single shit here like fuck everything and everything i want to die but i don't want to mutilate myself because it's painful.

really hate this.

am sick and tired of the whirlpool of emotions which are making a turmoil within, and these fuckshits can only be relieved by psychotic 'motivational' and 'positive affirmations' which seem to backfire every single time.

maybe i shouldn't even be psychoing myself. it's just too tiring and i'm dead exhausted.


maybe i don't deserve to live.

am sick and tired.

sick and tired of feeling this way every single day.

this shithole needs to be deeper so that i can't see the light. the light's too bright and it's not helping even though it's supposed to. it's just clouding any possible ray of hope because it's just too bright. just.way.too.bright.

i cannot do this anymore.

i thought i could, but i'm lying to myself.

i want to cry.

i want to die.

bye.

Hi bestie!

if you've realised i've not blogged but it's not as though i've disappeared from the web. i just choose to keep everything in a shell and tuck it safely in the deep recesses of my heart.

and i don't think it's necessary to write because no one understands anyway. i only write in extreme unstable terrains(and no, it's not as though that is not the situation.) writing makes me feel really free like a jump into the deep sea of calmness and tranquility, or a plunge driven by gravity from a high mountain. but i just feel that i don't want to sound like an emotional wreck everytime i write because that is just downright pathetic.

thus, i bottle everything inside and let it explode within, without giving it any light to repel the blooming darkness. i don't feel comfortable talking to people about my problems, because i know they would judge or simply don't care(although they proclaim they do). i know it's definitely better to talk about it, and i'll actually find comfort in naming my feelings instead of leaving the mess spinning inside.

and i'm really lucky to be blessed with Lin Mingmin, the ONLY person whom i'd tell EVERYTHING to. DEFINITELY the bestest best friend one could ever have. i really, REALLY, thank God for her because she is literally my backbone, and i'd tell her EVERY single thought/feeling i have at that VERY moment because i know she won't judge, and she'd still love me all the same. i don't have this deep-rooted anxiety or never-ending fear with her AT ALL which is really comforting because admittedly, i do feel that way to many of my good friends or other best friends. Without Ming, i'd literally crumble and degenerate into specks of dust.

you've done ALOT and saved me, and i'm truly grateful for that. love you till the end of time.

xoxoxoxx

Hey Soul Sister.

i think i need to stop equating beautiful/pretty/hot with perfectionistic features and attributes which goes along the lines of PERFECT teeth/complexion/face/abs/chest/biceps BECAUSE NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT NOTHING IS PERFECT

NO ONE IS PERFECT AND I MUST SNAP OUT OF THIS. like hello, there's beauty in imperfections and EVERYONE IS GOOD ENOUGH.

and lastly, fuck these because eventually it's the inner beauty that matters. <3

Bye.

I've learnt alot about myself these days, and it's always a good thing because embracing my own identity fuels my inner confidence.

And, people should stop criticising others because it just goes to show that they are insecure so they put others down to make themselves feel better. HELLO LOSERS.

Shall start working out intensively from tomorrow onwards. ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

and my sister was blissfully married last weekend. in my humble opinion, she was the prettiest bride EVER and i am truly happy for her. xoxo

a new chapter of her life ensues. and it makes me feel how fast life is. like how life is on this treadmill that is ever moving and never stops. but ironically, that's the only way to make us feel alive.

i thank God for everything :)

Hi.

i need to breathe deeply before the cells in my heart rupture.

BREATHE.

.

and it amazes me how talking to some people can literally make me go berserk. i need to breathe.

BREATHE.

Maybe, just maybe, you're the one i've been waiting for.

hi i wanted to write alot but i figured that i shouldn't think too much

but like life's a real strange pain in the ass cos it unravels itself in the most unexpected of ways which may/may not be advantageous to you but all in all, it only proves to reaffirm my belief that we should just Go With The Flow.

like how i am like ah fuck boys and their counterparts(think along the lines of sexual organs HAHAHHHAHHA) but now i'm bombarded with so many at one go which really comes as a Major shock and they seem to be tooooo good to be true and that makes me go really cynical and doubtful like is this all a joke cos it's definitely not funny

but either way i am just Going With The Flow and will grab whatever opportunities that come by without giving too much thought into it cos thinking too much would just spoil the fun right? but of course, my walls are still intact.

As always.

Hi.

MODERATION. MODERATION. MODERATION.

Mae - Ocean.

figured that i've been digging myself way too deep into the whole abyss of darkness and what-ifs, so much so that the fear and guilt have succesfully paralyzed me into nothingness.

should rewind and reflect more on such self-killing adventures :'(

HELLO THE LONG WEEKEND BECKONS AND I'M GONNA KICK SOME ASS <3

September.

am getting all woebegone and deranged just after 30 minutes of hyped-up activity in the web. i seriously think the internet is an evil thing can i please not be exposed to the brutal truth and realities? can i just recluse myself into my cocoon of pretty white lilies and safety nets?

these fucking thoughts need to fucking stop running madly in my head i don't want to be fucking crazy

Bang bang.

Seek forgiveness from God. And, i just did that.

I guess the root problem of all the negative thoughts(which seem really free and happy to infiltrate my mind and soul with sheer influence and vigour) is due to discontentment. Am pretty amazed at how it literally has the capacity to wreak havoc both physically and mentally.

And no, i did not lose.

Shall tame those thoughts by totally being oblivious to the imperfections(simply because NO ONE IS PERFECT) and fully glorify my strengths.

All in all, the key word is 'Content'. So, please be contented. It works wonders.

The lives we lead.

Peered into the darkness, once again, even though the sparks were not even lit within. Ironically, the dim lights managed to cloud the clear vision that was not even tainted in the first place. What a pity.

I think people do bad things due to the meaningless life they lead. So, they TRY to find meaning by doing something out of the ordinary; normally things that give them pleasure. The temptations of instant gratification is so alluring. Enticing. Overwhelming. So, they eventually succumbed. And do it so often till they lost the whole novelty of it. Till they get Numb, even. What a pity.

What a pity.

Hi.

We all have choices. Get that inside your thick-skulled brain, people.

+++

I've decided that it's really pointless to further indulge yourself in bouts of insecurities by infiltrating such thoughts into your head every second, ALLOWING them to rupture your soul effortlessly and brutally. And so, i shall SNAP OUT OF IT.

xx

It does not mean that it's right just because 'everyone is doing it'. Don't be shallow and apathetic, you pieceS of shit. You have a brain to DISCERN from what is right or wrong, and not CONFORM just to suit the majority's needs - unless you are living for others, then yes i am sorry but you're such a loser.

Well, even if you think it's right JUST BECAUSE the majority dictates that(in your perspective, that is), well, at least, probe into your consciousness and question your moral compass first.

Unless you're super loose, we need certain tenets to act like boundaries or rather, to impose a semblance of order.

IS THIS SOMETHING NEW?

Abracadabra/WingardiumLeviosa.

They say we should follow our heart. But how can that even happen if we don't even know what our heart wants?

---

shall never break the walls open because once i selflessly do that, rocks and pebbles may integrate and infuse themselves inside - thereby eroding and blocking any ray of sunlight to give some warmth that is most importantly needed in the dark. and besides, i don't see the point of wet tissues and plasters to cover the scenes behind closed doors; scenes that speak of a cascading waterfall and edges off a highrise building which is normally above eight storeys.

there's never a forever anyway; because love is ever so wavering and disappearing, hurting and denying. people change, and that's the only constant.

OMG I sound like some cynical ass experiencing a heartbreak but no, i am actually perfectly fine dating many guys at one go hurhur because i don't believe in The One. the above illustrations are just some thoughts of illusion, and i've been having alot of these because i am just too free. and when you're too free, your mind wanders............. sometimes bordering along the lines of depression (ahh the books i'm reading now are just too deep and reflective. make me feel all woebegone)

Fly, fly, fly.

the suppressed feeling of being in a small cage where everything is enclosed and you are stuck, is rather overwhelming. it's not like you don't want to get out of the rut. it's just that.... you don't have a choice.

the raging desire to fly openly and be free is burning strongly, producing huge flames and sparks that could light up the sky. but the sky i see is circumscribed by cumulonimbus clouds. it's dark and the road ahead seems bleak.

maybe what i need now is a new pair of contact lens. and a new direction to follow.

Where's the meaning of life?

aimless, useless, like a small matchstick amongst the tens of huge candles which are lit brightly.

it's like living just for the sake of living because we all have to live. it's like waking up at 6am every single day when the alarm clock rings and you have to wake up even though you don't want to. it's like eating the same breakfast every single day for your life, but you still eat it because it's still your breakfast afterall.

it's like chasing for the first bus every single morning because you don't want to be late. it's not that you don't want to be late, it's more of like you don't want to get reprimanded or be in the bad books of your bosses. it's like replying to the same old emails which always end with, 'Please revert back by 12pm'. it's like walking the same route every single day. it's like listening to the same song over and over and over again but you do not even know the lyrics. it's like taking the same bus every single day, with the same faces you see(but you are too shy to say hi).

it's like...... living life with nothingness and apathy

blowing kisses to the distant memories.

it's such a common sight to see people walking around with noses held up high, acting like they know shit, being all happy and pretentious and fulfilled and satisfied but who can actually vouch for that except themselves?

still waters run deep. i am not being cynical but i feel that it's all just a facade. is the display of such emotions the truth, or is it just an act? we're all actors, anyway. but it's not entirely a bad thing because i believe it's one of the tools to survive. perhaps, we do it to get accepted, or rather, to be viewed in a light which spreads a positive aura when judged by others. at the end of the road, we want to feel accepted. we want to feel loved.

and i feel that i am just floating around aimlessly, taking life as it is. there's no meaning to it and i really feel suppressed for reasons unknown to myself.

Sigh.

Today, i lost my earpiece. And, it's not just another earpiece.

Get influenced, but only in the right direction.

It's good to be selfless. It's good to think of others before self. But it's silly to do that if they are violating your self-principles which you stand for firmly. In that case, please think of yourself. Do not get influenced. They may hate you for being a party pooper/wet blanket/whatever, but that doesn't matter because at least you stood up to what you deem is right.

Stand up and be heard. :)

Kthxbye.

Sometimes, i don't know why i try so hard to explain my point to someone who doesn't even bother to listen just because they don't agree or are simply ignorant.

Like hello, i am talking to a wall but i am still talking nonetheless.

I might as well talk to myself.

A plea.

It's one of those moments again when i am being analytical about my own directions in life. Such very moments are normally triggered when the wavelengths and frequencies of my life have changed significantly and i find myself in an awkward environment.

I have two choices.

1) Make a change.
2) Conform.

Help me God. :(

I am actually quite pissed off.

I wanted to write something but then ............ Sigh how i wish i could lock this entry but i doubt blogger has the functions and i know lj can do it and i actually do have an lj account but i am lazy to go over. Besides, i've ranted it to a friend who happened to call at the right timing so its gooooood :)

Wait, it's actually not good but forget it.

++++++

On another note altogether, i am really sick of living for people. Not literally but you get what i mean. It's like there are bound to have expectations that are set for us by people(whom we do care of course). Thus, while living by OUR own ideals and beliefs, we do try our fucking best to infuse their expectations to our actual actions. That in itself sounds very suffocating.

Sometimes, we fall short because we Are.Just.Not.Capable. We disappoint them. But most importantly, we let ourselves down. We crumble. We are disgusted by our own inefficiency and incompetency.

So i say. Fuck the rest. This is YOUR life so as long as you know you are GOOD ENOUGH, then Fuck the rest. Really. There is no one to impress except yourself.

Don't let others bring you down. <3

It's worth it if it hurts.

I had this vehement desire within me to blog about something really esteem-killing but i figured that I AM GOOD ENOUGH so i shall not start.

I am trying to put on my thinking cap as often as i can. I NEED to get smarter. And, i am so gonna utilise the free time i have in NS on books and i want to learn french! I want to learn contemporary dance FOR REAL. I want to improve singing. I want to have a hot bod - i shall swim three times a week. I shall be disciplined with my normal gymming sessions. I want to feel good about myself so i shall work for it.

I've figured there's no point glorifying people's lives just because they seemingly have everything we don't. We'll never know what lies underneath THAT facade.

Let's just be contented with whatever we have :)

It's all about choices, which we all are entitled to.

It's really hard to understand the complexities of the human mind and soul.

I've always believed that whatever you think is a result of an engineered drilling of such thoughts into your mind every single day. It's like a psycho-ed cycle altogether. YOU feed your mind with such thoughts religiously so it becomes a part of you. This also means that whatever you do is based on YOUR own choices because you CHOOSE to think that way.

HENCE, THESE THOUGHTS ARE NOT NATURAL. YOU were the one who created such thoughts and therein lies the root of the problem(if there is a problem in the context that is).

Since you CHOOSE to think that way, and if you're stuck in a rut because of that, you can CHOOSE to think the OTHER way. It's either this or that. The mind is a really powerful aspect of our body and if we are determined to change, it will work out.

HEHEHE okay actually my point is that we can always change the way we think. Like i've been kinda negative and cynical so i am trying to embroil and embrace myself into a world of positivity. I believe that it will make a huge load of difference. It's all about the willingness and determination, plus the sincere desire erupting from within :)

OH AND SCREW THE WHOLE 'IT WAS IN A SPUR MOMENT KINDA THING'. It is more of like, 'I know its wrong but this is so interesting and so, i shall totally succumb to temptation YAYPEDOOOOO'

OKAYBYE.

I AM NOT STUPID.

I don't know why but i'm still feeling the remnants of the past. I WANT TO LET GO but all i can think of now is to update my facebook's status with emotional words and phrases but no i am so not succumbing to that because i am strong and powerful.

I do not like what i am doing right now because it is definitely not reflecting my utmost potential and capability. In fact, it has transformed me into a sloth with a lackadaisical attitude and i'm fucking sure my officers realise that. I think they still like me because i'm not ugly and they know i have the brains plus i have an imba social networking skills hurhurhur. If i'm like ugly, unfriendly and stupid i would have probably been charged or something. HAHAHAHAH but i'm damn serious!

I really can't wait for school. My brain cells have not been productive and i fear their death. I need to do something, like something just something which uses any of my brain cells. I need to feel that i am capable. NS has rendered me useless, fyi. I am definitely not useless. I need to be ASSURED that i am not stupid. I CANNOT WAIT FOR SCHOOL OMG.

I'm tired of being useless. Oh God please land me a job or anything close to that which ALLOWS me to use my brains. Maybe i should do some intensive reading. Maybe i should just stop ranting and get out of this place.

Kthxbye.

HELLO

I'm confused.

I really don't know why people do things that seem really weird, illogical or unreasonable even. I just don't get it. It's like, okay. I want to be rational and think deeply about it but i can't seem to exactly decipher the intended meaning. I don't want to ask because i don't see the need to. And so, i assume. I read before that assuming is one of the root causes of disagreements/quarrels/fights. Okay, so i don't assume. I will look at the bigger picture. But, no. I don't see any light or hope in that.

So, what do you want me to do?

I was seething in anger, wrapped in wrath and embroiled in negative emotions. Then, i thought things out and recalled some positive information from the self-help book i've been reading. I've learnt and applied. :)

Firstly, what's the point of being angry? I should let go and move on.

Secondly, if i let this emotions indulge my life, i will literally spend time thinking about it and hence, i will be all pissed off and emotional. IN WHAT WAY WOULD I BENEFIT? I am wasting my time and energy, which could actually be utilised for better reasons. So, i shall not waste my time being angry. :)

Thirdly, i should ENJOY LIFE AND BE HAPPY YAYPEDOOOOO.

HAHAHAHAHA omg i miss/love ethan like crazy! LIKE SOME INTENSE MAD OBSESSION HAHAHAH LUB <3<3<3

I have disappeared from this space because i have somewhat lost the motivation to start writing and indulge myself in the whole emotional chapter of life. Because if you've realised, i normally write when i'm feeling down. And, it's not that i've not been feeling blue which may explain my disappearance, but ..... i don't know. I don't seem to find so much pleasure in writing anymore.

People tell me i have a knack for writing. I used to love writing. And spam poems even. But.... Okay, maybe i will slowly pick up the habit again.

I have been going through a lot personally. I feel that i'm slowly losing the zest and enthusiasm in things. I am beginning to be more cynical and negative of people. I know i needed help. Reading self-help books have done a great deal, but i have a long way to go. I got to be strong and fight this battle within.

It is as though i am just walking on solid ground without having any goals. I don't fight for things that i want. I give up easily. I let the situations control me. I lose control. I don't take control. I relinquish. I don't really care. I'm weak.

I have so many things in my mind and it's all jumbled up so i can't really think. I shall sleep.

Have a great weekend.

Oh fuck you.

And i thought that i've finally moved on but you kept coming back clawing your sharp fingers directly at my heart when it's JUST about to FULLY recover. How could you?!

I think you're heartless.

A flip.

HELLO i have not been updating for long like damn freaking long :(

Life has been..... pretty okay. You know its like i don't really feel like blogging cos i feel that it doesn't exactly serve its purpose anymore. I have awesome friends, whom i can easily talk to regarding issues from the deep recesses of my heart. And besides, they respond so it's not like as though i am talking to a wall(like this blog) so i feel assured INSTANTLY.

THANK GOD FOR AWESOME FRIENDS SERIOUSLY. I am trying my hardest to reciprocate and be the best friend they can have as well :)

On a sidenote, i guess i am not lucky. But fuck i am not gonna say that anymore. I am never gonna say how FML some situations in my life are. I believe we all have choices, and we ALWAYS have a choice to get out of that rut or wallow in self-pity. It's all up to us, and i am determined to change my life for the better!! I definitely need God's help, together with the angels in my life(like my awesome bestfriends you know who you are)

+++

Don't know why we all hang onto something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we don't really have. Some of us say we'd rather have that something rather than nothing. But the truth is to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.

For now, i am just gonna let go. I shall STOP expecting too much and pressurize myself unnecessarily. :)

THINGS WILL GET BETTER. I KNOW THEY WILL ,<3

Randomness.

chao chee bye i just wrote one whole long entry then its gone fuck lazy la cb bye

Hello.

Hello.

I think i'm much more positive and lively these days! And why is that so, you ask? IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T THINK SO MUCH ABOUT LIFE ANYMORE. Woooohoo yayers!!

Haha i think it's good to ponder about life but doing it too much will lead you to mild depression and a mind filled with negative thoughts. So not cool please. Hahaha i got sick and tired of it so i've decided to let go and just go with the flow.

It's working wonders wweeeet!! HAHAAHAHAAH OKAY I AM HIGH AND I LIKE JASONNNN HEEEEE I THINK HE'S AWESOME AND HE'S DIFFERENT FROM OTHER GUYS BUT LIKE HE'S SHORT LEH HOWWWWWWWW AIYA NVM LA HOR LET'S NOT BE SUPERFICIAL HORR HAHAAHA OKAY BYEEEEEEE XOXOXO

Ccb.

Sometimes, i really DO NOT understand why things happened the way it is and i try really hard to unravel the reasonings behind it. I pepper my thoughts with rationality and objectivity but more often that not, i delude myself to feel better.

Maybe it's for the better.

Okay you know what i am fucking tired of mindfucking myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've had enough and i dont give a shit ANYMORE.

A CHEENA TWEET IN DISGUISE.

I am sad and heartbroken and although i try very hard to refuse Karma into my system altogether, it hurts fucking badly when it hits me right on my face with full force and vigour.

Wa i am vely sianzx. Why like thatzzz one ccb give up already liao la!!!!!!! WHATEVERRRRRZX

Soon, soon.

I've been really reflective these days, making me all woebegone and weepy(not literally). My belief that life is unfair has been re-emphasised through and through. I cannot accept it. I want to change and make it better for myself and the people around me. After alot of mindfucking, i've figured that maybe, it's just not my time yet. As of now, my life is wading along waves of Uncertainty and i just need Faith peppered with Patience. My time will come soon, people.

Just you wait.

Randomness.

Hi i've realised that i want my boyfriend to be uglier than me because since i am so insecure, if he is some hotstuff, i'll probably feel MORE insecure then it will be an unhealthy relationship.

Actually my point is that I just want to settle down and feel good in my own skin without being threatened.

What's up, world?

It's been long and i think that time really flies.

Life's been moderately bearable, not much dramatic events worth stressing me out which is really awesome. Went shopping yesterday and i FINALLY found this perfect pair of sandals which i've been wanting for 7584905840 years but i just couldn't find the exact one that i really really like.

When i saw those gorgeous pair of footwear displayed beautifully on the racks, i was hyperventilating. OMG AT LAST THANK GOD! He knows how hard i've tried man, seriously. Woohoo awesome i am so gonna parade around in those hiakhiak.

Then i saw this top that i've been wanting to get from korea/japan online shopping sites but i didn't dare to get it because i am not sure of the cutting/size. And guess what, i found it yesterday!!! Praise the Lord!! I didn't know they sell it here man seriously. It's so artsy-fartsy i likeeeeeeee <3

I guess i was lucky yesterday. But it was also because i totally didn't expect anything and the shopping trip was damn spontaneous. I rejected Kelvin's movie date(FIVE TIMES ALREADY I KNOW I SUCK BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN KARMA FUCK) and met jaz like at 8 plus pm. It was some damn intense shopping because we were really focused due to the time constraint. We were both lucky. Furthermore, God was fair because we went shopping the night before and i totally did not get anything at all because nothing caught my eye. But, it was the total opposite yesterday so double yay!!

AND OMG I AM ONE FAT PIG THANKYOU. I cannot fit in size 28 for jeans anymore! TOTALLY couldn't zip and buckle it. Then, i tried 29 and it was damn hard to buckle still but once i squeezed in my ginormous stomach like crazy, then i could. 30 was just nice but doesn't flatter my legs so i didn't get it. I tried 29 again and i paraded around for a while. I felt suppressed and i couldnt really breathe. Once i took the jeans out, i swear i felt like vomiting omg suicidal. NEED TO RUN 4545245 KM AND SWIM 58439483 LAPS :(

HAHAAHAHA I SHALL GYM DURING LUNCH BREAK LATER <3<3<3

Random musings.

I think that things will eventually turn out fine and just the way you wanted it ORIGINALLY even without trying. I felt things will totally not work out if i try so hard. Sometimes, things are just meant to be.

I should have absolute faith in God and just let him do the work. I will lead my life with peace and just be myself.

I AM HUNGRY :(

:(

Okay i just read the post again and i felt really bad cos it was so rude and shit. I am sorry. I was wrapped in a sea of wrath and anger.

But that being said, i STILL don't love you, old man. My heart has closed its doors for you, for a long long time.

Idiotic ass.

Argh i am so fucking pissed right now. You know that i am generally not close to my family because that's just our nature. But the person i am not close to at all is my dad.

I do not like him cos i think he does not play his role as a dad very well. He doesn't bond us together and is forever in his own world. A man of very few words, he doesn't interact with us. He doesn't try and perhaps, he doesn't even care.

I can't be bothered seriously. I've always felt that he is just ANOTHER man living under the same roof. He is not exactly a stranger, but then again, i don't know what is he exactly. A familiar face, yet so distant.

I think he is crazy. I got back and i was listening to songs on my phone with an earpiece. Apparenty, he wanted me to put my boots at the kitchen. The volume was loud so i couldn't hear him and guess what, he LITERALLY screamed at the top of his lungs and went berserk. He looked red and pissed off. I'm like what the fuck you old fucker this is so trivial.

I know this is rude but i really do not care since he doesn't.

Hi old man, the world does not revolve around you so please behave. Just so you know, i hate you.

Hello world.

I really don't know why i am giving myself soooo much pressure, and at the same time, ironically, levelling my standards down for people who are not even worthy. It just doesn't make sense.

On another note altogether.

I am NOT(never ever) doing things that i don't want to, just because society dictates that i should. I am not gonna comform like a stupid idiot because i have brains which can clearly differentiate between what is right or wrong. And, not foolishly be absorbed into the whole culture of what is 'in' and 'out.'

I am the big boss with the final say. This is MY life. Fuck you fucktards.

I do not give a damn.

I am so sick and tired of everything i really really really feel like putting an end to all of this and just start afresh.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Fuck the world man, seriously.

I don't know what's the problem. I think i have issues with myself. I really really really really really do not like where i am right now. The edge is so close and i can easily take the plunge, but i choose not to. Something is holding me back.

I just don't want to do this anymore. I need a break. I want to sleep.

Why did i ever land myself in such a state? I'm such a pathetic piece of shit.

SFJOSDJ583453489TV-04ERTIK850C4T,5OTU,E

I am very depressed and i feel like crying. I feel so inefficent and useless. I don't think i'm even needed here. I'm simply dispensable.

Sometimes i wonder if there's actually a God because i do mutter alot of prayers ALOT of times but things STILL don't work out. If praying doesn't help, then what helps? It's like i pray for this particular thing not to happen but somehow, it eventually happened. SO MUCH for praying HUH.

Yes yes, you can rebut me with those crap sayings like, "Oh well, who knows if you didn't pray, it might have gotten worse".

Oh well, whateverrrrrrrrr. My faith is waning and i'm lost. I give up.

Let's look deeper and not delve too much on the surface.

Ho ho ho third entry for the night! It's a saturday night and i'm at home so it's rare but i'm loving it baby. In fact, i have a birthday party right at this moment but i feel too lazy to get out. And besides i got a terrible hangover on new year's eve. What the hell is go home at SIX AM and slept all the way till 10 PM. I am fantabulous :)

I want to post up an entry about sex HA but i shall do a thorough one next time when i'm less knackered. BUT ANYWAY I AM DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.

You have no idea how many times i've had guys asking me for sex and one night stands and how i ALWAYS vehemently say no. And mind you, they are damn hot and totally my type!(think along the lines of masculines features and muscular body ttmttmttm) The best was this gym instructor whose body is like Mr Manhunt ttmttmttmttm and we talked for an hour on the phone cos he totally tried to convince me and shit but all the while i was like NO NO NO, in a nice way of course heh :) They keep coming but i always shoo them away cos i am strong and powerful hahahah.

I really really hope i will NEVER ever give in and succumb to such irresistible temptations. Please pray for me. Appreciate it truckloads.

I just don't see myself having sex with a random perfect stranger although his physical appearance is stellar, everything that i want in a guy. It's just not right morally. There are SO many guys out there who are into fun and i'm sorry i am not into that kthxbye. To me, sex is an intimate act shared by two souls who are passionately in love with each other. It's something deep and true, not just a touch and go kinda thing man. I don't want to be pricked by a guilty conscience and degrade my moral compass.

I deserve more than that. :)

Fantasy.

"I want to live in a society where i can be as open to do whatever i want, and still NOT get judged. THAT is utopia. "

- Me.

To tell or not to tell.

I am listening to Orphans of God by Avalon and i feel like tearing. The song is just...... superb. Tugs me at my heartstrings with such deep and passionate lyrics. I don't know why i always have this strong feelings towards christian songs. :(

Anyway, I feel suppressed. You know what, i feel like telling everyone that i am gay. It's not like it's not obvious(HA) but i think it feels better to finally unleash this deep secret within. I don't want to live a lie, telling everyone otherwise just because our society is not open YET. Ah, fuck this conservative society. So much for wanting to be open to everything but is still stuck in a shell full of comfort zones. Right.

I've had enough. I don't want to lie to my family anymore. You know it's like sometimes when i use the desktop, i HAVE to delete every gay-related websites in the history and it's DAMN irritating. It makes me feel that it's a necessity to hide them from the ugly truth because i know my family too damn well. They won't accept it and i'll probably get disowned.

Unfortunately, my sister thinks i'm an angel. When we talk about clubbing, i will ALWAYS try to change the topic as soon as i can because i don't want to lie. I hate lying to her because i love her. I have to SWEAR to her that i don't drink(because if i tell her the truth, she'll be damn disappointed). I told her that i drank once and she was crestfallen. :( God knows how many times i drank.

Plus, i accidentally blurted to her that i made out with random people in clubs. Her reaction was huge and she was totally taken aback. I had to tweak my words and say that it was just a friendly peck on the cheek. You see? I have to keep lying and keep lying and keep lying and let them hear what they WANT to hear, which unfortunately, is not the truth. Like they say, truth hurts. But, isn't telling the truth the best way out? Isn't Honesty the best policy?

So you prefer sugarcoated words with lies and deceit? I'll give you just that.

Yes, i have to lie. Because, i love them. Because, i don't ever want to disappoint my loved ones. Because, i don't ever want to break their heart. Maybe, i'll change. Just... maybe.

God forbids them from knowing the truth. Imagine the dissapointment on their face? I will run a million miles so that i can't see those tears.

A new year, with a breath of fresh warm air.

2009 was awesome.

I felt that i really LIVED life, and i wasn't simply floating around aimlessly. A lot of life lessons were learnt, and even though some were by the hard way, they were still lessons nonetheless. I really wouldn't want to trade 2009 for anything else. The moments were just epic.

I've emerged stronger. I am NOW stronger. I've done things i've never thought i would, but you know what, i will never regret. Like i mentioned earlier, life is too short for regrets. In this never-ending journey, we have to veer off into the world of unknowns and risks sometimes to really appreciate life of its deepest essence.

I've come thus far. I want to go further and make 2010 an ever better one. No resolutions made because those are just empty promises to delude ourselves. I just want to be happy, live life with a positive mindset and overcome any obstacles with pride and dignity.

Happy 2010, everyone.