Ccb.

Sometimes, i really DO NOT understand why things happened the way it is and i try really hard to unravel the reasonings behind it. I pepper my thoughts with rationality and objectivity but more often that not, i delude myself to feel better.

Maybe it's for the better.

Okay you know what i am fucking tired of mindfucking myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've had enough and i dont give a shit ANYMORE.

A CHEENA TWEET IN DISGUISE.

I am sad and heartbroken and although i try very hard to refuse Karma into my system altogether, it hurts fucking badly when it hits me right on my face with full force and vigour.

Wa i am vely sianzx. Why like thatzzz one ccb give up already liao la!!!!!!! WHATEVERRRRRZX

Soon, soon.

I've been really reflective these days, making me all woebegone and weepy(not literally). My belief that life is unfair has been re-emphasised through and through. I cannot accept it. I want to change and make it better for myself and the people around me. After alot of mindfucking, i've figured that maybe, it's just not my time yet. As of now, my life is wading along waves of Uncertainty and i just need Faith peppered with Patience. My time will come soon, people.

Just you wait.

Randomness.

Hi i've realised that i want my boyfriend to be uglier than me because since i am so insecure, if he is some hotstuff, i'll probably feel MORE insecure then it will be an unhealthy relationship.

Actually my point is that I just want to settle down and feel good in my own skin without being threatened.

What's up, world?

It's been long and i think that time really flies.

Life's been moderately bearable, not much dramatic events worth stressing me out which is really awesome. Went shopping yesterday and i FINALLY found this perfect pair of sandals which i've been wanting for 7584905840 years but i just couldn't find the exact one that i really really like.

When i saw those gorgeous pair of footwear displayed beautifully on the racks, i was hyperventilating. OMG AT LAST THANK GOD! He knows how hard i've tried man, seriously. Woohoo awesome i am so gonna parade around in those hiakhiak.

Then i saw this top that i've been wanting to get from korea/japan online shopping sites but i didn't dare to get it because i am not sure of the cutting/size. And guess what, i found it yesterday!!! Praise the Lord!! I didn't know they sell it here man seriously. It's so artsy-fartsy i likeeeeeeee <3

I guess i was lucky yesterday. But it was also because i totally didn't expect anything and the shopping trip was damn spontaneous. I rejected Kelvin's movie date(FIVE TIMES ALREADY I KNOW I SUCK BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN KARMA FUCK) and met jaz like at 8 plus pm. It was some damn intense shopping because we were really focused due to the time constraint. We were both lucky. Furthermore, God was fair because we went shopping the night before and i totally did not get anything at all because nothing caught my eye. But, it was the total opposite yesterday so double yay!!

AND OMG I AM ONE FAT PIG THANKYOU. I cannot fit in size 28 for jeans anymore! TOTALLY couldn't zip and buckle it. Then, i tried 29 and it was damn hard to buckle still but once i squeezed in my ginormous stomach like crazy, then i could. 30 was just nice but doesn't flatter my legs so i didn't get it. I tried 29 again and i paraded around for a while. I felt suppressed and i couldnt really breathe. Once i took the jeans out, i swear i felt like vomiting omg suicidal. NEED TO RUN 4545245 KM AND SWIM 58439483 LAPS :(

HAHAAHAHA I SHALL GYM DURING LUNCH BREAK LATER <3<3<3

Random musings.

I think that things will eventually turn out fine and just the way you wanted it ORIGINALLY even without trying. I felt things will totally not work out if i try so hard. Sometimes, things are just meant to be.

I should have absolute faith in God and just let him do the work. I will lead my life with peace and just be myself.

I AM HUNGRY :(

:(

Okay i just read the post again and i felt really bad cos it was so rude and shit. I am sorry. I was wrapped in a sea of wrath and anger.

But that being said, i STILL don't love you, old man. My heart has closed its doors for you, for a long long time.

Idiotic ass.

Argh i am so fucking pissed right now. You know that i am generally not close to my family because that's just our nature. But the person i am not close to at all is my dad.

I do not like him cos i think he does not play his role as a dad very well. He doesn't bond us together and is forever in his own world. A man of very few words, he doesn't interact with us. He doesn't try and perhaps, he doesn't even care.

I can't be bothered seriously. I've always felt that he is just ANOTHER man living under the same roof. He is not exactly a stranger, but then again, i don't know what is he exactly. A familiar face, yet so distant.

I think he is crazy. I got back and i was listening to songs on my phone with an earpiece. Apparenty, he wanted me to put my boots at the kitchen. The volume was loud so i couldn't hear him and guess what, he LITERALLY screamed at the top of his lungs and went berserk. He looked red and pissed off. I'm like what the fuck you old fucker this is so trivial.

I know this is rude but i really do not care since he doesn't.

Hi old man, the world does not revolve around you so please behave. Just so you know, i hate you.

Hello world.

I really don't know why i am giving myself soooo much pressure, and at the same time, ironically, levelling my standards down for people who are not even worthy. It just doesn't make sense.

On another note altogether.

I am NOT(never ever) doing things that i don't want to, just because society dictates that i should. I am not gonna comform like a stupid idiot because i have brains which can clearly differentiate between what is right or wrong. And, not foolishly be absorbed into the whole culture of what is 'in' and 'out.'

I am the big boss with the final say. This is MY life. Fuck you fucktards.

I do not give a damn.

I am so sick and tired of everything i really really really feel like putting an end to all of this and just start afresh.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Fuck the world man, seriously.

I don't know what's the problem. I think i have issues with myself. I really really really really really do not like where i am right now. The edge is so close and i can easily take the plunge, but i choose not to. Something is holding me back.

I just don't want to do this anymore. I need a break. I want to sleep.

Why did i ever land myself in such a state? I'm such a pathetic piece of shit.

SFJOSDJ583453489TV-04ERTIK850C4T,5OTU,E

I am very depressed and i feel like crying. I feel so inefficent and useless. I don't think i'm even needed here. I'm simply dispensable.

Sometimes i wonder if there's actually a God because i do mutter alot of prayers ALOT of times but things STILL don't work out. If praying doesn't help, then what helps? It's like i pray for this particular thing not to happen but somehow, it eventually happened. SO MUCH for praying HUH.

Yes yes, you can rebut me with those crap sayings like, "Oh well, who knows if you didn't pray, it might have gotten worse".

Oh well, whateverrrrrrrrr. My faith is waning and i'm lost. I give up.

Let's look deeper and not delve too much on the surface.

Ho ho ho third entry for the night! It's a saturday night and i'm at home so it's rare but i'm loving it baby. In fact, i have a birthday party right at this moment but i feel too lazy to get out. And besides i got a terrible hangover on new year's eve. What the hell is go home at SIX AM and slept all the way till 10 PM. I am fantabulous :)

I want to post up an entry about sex HA but i shall do a thorough one next time when i'm less knackered. BUT ANYWAY I AM DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.

You have no idea how many times i've had guys asking me for sex and one night stands and how i ALWAYS vehemently say no. And mind you, they are damn hot and totally my type!(think along the lines of masculines features and muscular body ttmttmttm) The best was this gym instructor whose body is like Mr Manhunt ttmttmttmttm and we talked for an hour on the phone cos he totally tried to convince me and shit but all the while i was like NO NO NO, in a nice way of course heh :) They keep coming but i always shoo them away cos i am strong and powerful hahahah.

I really really hope i will NEVER ever give in and succumb to such irresistible temptations. Please pray for me. Appreciate it truckloads.

I just don't see myself having sex with a random perfect stranger although his physical appearance is stellar, everything that i want in a guy. It's just not right morally. There are SO many guys out there who are into fun and i'm sorry i am not into that kthxbye. To me, sex is an intimate act shared by two souls who are passionately in love with each other. It's something deep and true, not just a touch and go kinda thing man. I don't want to be pricked by a guilty conscience and degrade my moral compass.

I deserve more than that. :)

Fantasy.

"I want to live in a society where i can be as open to do whatever i want, and still NOT get judged. THAT is utopia. "

- Me.

To tell or not to tell.

I am listening to Orphans of God by Avalon and i feel like tearing. The song is just...... superb. Tugs me at my heartstrings with such deep and passionate lyrics. I don't know why i always have this strong feelings towards christian songs. :(

Anyway, I feel suppressed. You know what, i feel like telling everyone that i am gay. It's not like it's not obvious(HA) but i think it feels better to finally unleash this deep secret within. I don't want to live a lie, telling everyone otherwise just because our society is not open YET. Ah, fuck this conservative society. So much for wanting to be open to everything but is still stuck in a shell full of comfort zones. Right.

I've had enough. I don't want to lie to my family anymore. You know it's like sometimes when i use the desktop, i HAVE to delete every gay-related websites in the history and it's DAMN irritating. It makes me feel that it's a necessity to hide them from the ugly truth because i know my family too damn well. They won't accept it and i'll probably get disowned.

Unfortunately, my sister thinks i'm an angel. When we talk about clubbing, i will ALWAYS try to change the topic as soon as i can because i don't want to lie. I hate lying to her because i love her. I have to SWEAR to her that i don't drink(because if i tell her the truth, she'll be damn disappointed). I told her that i drank once and she was crestfallen. :( God knows how many times i drank.

Plus, i accidentally blurted to her that i made out with random people in clubs. Her reaction was huge and she was totally taken aback. I had to tweak my words and say that it was just a friendly peck on the cheek. You see? I have to keep lying and keep lying and keep lying and let them hear what they WANT to hear, which unfortunately, is not the truth. Like they say, truth hurts. But, isn't telling the truth the best way out? Isn't Honesty the best policy?

So you prefer sugarcoated words with lies and deceit? I'll give you just that.

Yes, i have to lie. Because, i love them. Because, i don't ever want to disappoint my loved ones. Because, i don't ever want to break their heart. Maybe, i'll change. Just... maybe.

God forbids them from knowing the truth. Imagine the dissapointment on their face? I will run a million miles so that i can't see those tears.

A new year, with a breath of fresh warm air.

2009 was awesome.

I felt that i really LIVED life, and i wasn't simply floating around aimlessly. A lot of life lessons were learnt, and even though some were by the hard way, they were still lessons nonetheless. I really wouldn't want to trade 2009 for anything else. The moments were just epic.

I've emerged stronger. I am NOW stronger. I've done things i've never thought i would, but you know what, i will never regret. Like i mentioned earlier, life is too short for regrets. In this never-ending journey, we have to veer off into the world of unknowns and risks sometimes to really appreciate life of its deepest essence.

I've come thus far. I want to go further and make 2010 an ever better one. No resolutions made because those are just empty promises to delude ourselves. I just want to be happy, live life with a positive mindset and overcome any obstacles with pride and dignity.

Happy 2010, everyone.