To tell or not to tell.

I am listening to Orphans of God by Avalon and i feel like tearing. The song is just...... superb. Tugs me at my heartstrings with such deep and passionate lyrics. I don't know why i always have this strong feelings towards christian songs. :(

Anyway, I feel suppressed. You know what, i feel like telling everyone that i am gay. It's not like it's not obvious(HA) but i think it feels better to finally unleash this deep secret within. I don't want to live a lie, telling everyone otherwise just because our society is not open YET. Ah, fuck this conservative society. So much for wanting to be open to everything but is still stuck in a shell full of comfort zones. Right.

I've had enough. I don't want to lie to my family anymore. You know it's like sometimes when i use the desktop, i HAVE to delete every gay-related websites in the history and it's DAMN irritating. It makes me feel that it's a necessity to hide them from the ugly truth because i know my family too damn well. They won't accept it and i'll probably get disowned.

Unfortunately, my sister thinks i'm an angel. When we talk about clubbing, i will ALWAYS try to change the topic as soon as i can because i don't want to lie. I hate lying to her because i love her. I have to SWEAR to her that i don't drink(because if i tell her the truth, she'll be damn disappointed). I told her that i drank once and she was crestfallen. :( God knows how many times i drank.

Plus, i accidentally blurted to her that i made out with random people in clubs. Her reaction was huge and she was totally taken aback. I had to tweak my words and say that it was just a friendly peck on the cheek. You see? I have to keep lying and keep lying and keep lying and let them hear what they WANT to hear, which unfortunately, is not the truth. Like they say, truth hurts. But, isn't telling the truth the best way out? Isn't Honesty the best policy?

So you prefer sugarcoated words with lies and deceit? I'll give you just that.

Yes, i have to lie. Because, i love them. Because, i don't ever want to disappoint my loved ones. Because, i don't ever want to break their heart. Maybe, i'll change. Just... maybe.

God forbids them from knowing the truth. Imagine the dissapointment on their face? I will run a million miles so that i can't see those tears.