2 ghosts in 1 mirror.

it's pretty appalling and downright -scary- how my mind works.

i'm so used to be in denial and structuring my mind in a particular warped way that it permeates easily through all situations of varying contexts.

for example, if the situation is something as of A, but my mind is used to accept it as B, it would AUTOMATICALLY be converted to B without any shadow of doubt. and my mind refuses to accept it as A, even though the symptoms and signs are blatantly skewed towards it.

sounds like i'm so used to be wrapped up in my world of ideals and perfection and i refuse to accept any flaws(or changes for that matter) into my life. am probably too sheltered in my cocoon of 'comfort zones' and i just can't seem to get out of it.

THIS FREAKS ME OUT.

A walkway.

figured that there's no point holding on to something that is perfect and ideal. cos you'll never get it; that would never materialize, and what's left would be a string of brutal disappointments(which is stupid cos YOU KNOW it's bound to happen yet you persistently plunge yourself into this gorge of self-destruction)

so perhaps, it's just best to let go and not expect anything at all.

HI STOP COMPARING PLEASE.

how can these inferiority complex shitasses not sink in when you feel like a complete loser knowing people who are going to Ivy League, while at the same time, they are sporty and is smoking hot with style, charisma and maturity?

i completely sound like a loser.

but whatever, i know i am good enough and there are so many people worse off than me. i'm grateful, contented and am absolutely thankful to God. <3

HI.

You try your hardest but things don't work out and so you feel sick and tired of trying; it's like hope dissipates from the whole sea of Faith.

It's like you try SO hard, peppered with prayers to the Almighty, because it means SO much to you.

But you get disappointed, because they either don't work out, or things got exacerbated. So now, what should you do?

Persevere?

Try something new? (But you're so scared to step out of your comfort zone. Or even if you want to, you get all suppressed by the ideas of perfection till you freak yourself out doing something new. You try a million and one ways to yield perfect results. But you failed a million and one times. Simply because, nothing is perfect.)

---

Move on.

Let go.

GIVE UP!

RESIST.

figured that once i've succumbed, the hole gets deeper and wider.

note to self : RESIST.

Bittersweet.

figured that i have been too emotionally unstable these days and it's not doing me any good(though i know it's not but it's hard to let go)

and this reminds me of Sober's "Nothing's real until you let go completely"

How apt.

+++

though i know this feeling of empowerment and emancipation from the dark side is fleeting and transitory, at least it happened. short, but better than nothing at all. besides, all good things will come to an end(sooner or later). gotta be grateful and make the best out of it while it lasts.

and the source of such positive energy was from www.givesmehope.com and www.sixbillionsecrets.com. i was automatically lifted off from my world of self-destruction.

made me realise that i have so much to live for, and i should be really contented because there are so many people out there who are in a worse situation than i am.

and am totally thankful because i have so many awesome friends around me, and i totally can't live without them. love you guys till my heart stops beating <3

Fuck this world and every single shit here like fuck everything and everything i want to die but i don't want to mutilate myself because it's painful.

really hate this.

am sick and tired of the whirlpool of emotions which are making a turmoil within, and these fuckshits can only be relieved by psychotic 'motivational' and 'positive affirmations' which seem to backfire every single time.

maybe i shouldn't even be psychoing myself. it's just too tiring and i'm dead exhausted.


maybe i don't deserve to live.

am sick and tired.

sick and tired of feeling this way every single day.

this shithole needs to be deeper so that i can't see the light. the light's too bright and it's not helping even though it's supposed to. it's just clouding any possible ray of hope because it's just too bright. just.way.too.bright.

i cannot do this anymore.

i thought i could, but i'm lying to myself.

i want to cry.

i want to die.

bye.

Hi bestie!

if you've realised i've not blogged but it's not as though i've disappeared from the web. i just choose to keep everything in a shell and tuck it safely in the deep recesses of my heart.

and i don't think it's necessary to write because no one understands anyway. i only write in extreme unstable terrains(and no, it's not as though that is not the situation.) writing makes me feel really free like a jump into the deep sea of calmness and tranquility, or a plunge driven by gravity from a high mountain. but i just feel that i don't want to sound like an emotional wreck everytime i write because that is just downright pathetic.

thus, i bottle everything inside and let it explode within, without giving it any light to repel the blooming darkness. i don't feel comfortable talking to people about my problems, because i know they would judge or simply don't care(although they proclaim they do). i know it's definitely better to talk about it, and i'll actually find comfort in naming my feelings instead of leaving the mess spinning inside.

and i'm really lucky to be blessed with Lin Mingmin, the ONLY person whom i'd tell EVERYTHING to. DEFINITELY the bestest best friend one could ever have. i really, REALLY, thank God for her because she is literally my backbone, and i'd tell her EVERY single thought/feeling i have at that VERY moment because i know she won't judge, and she'd still love me all the same. i don't have this deep-rooted anxiety or never-ending fear with her AT ALL which is really comforting because admittedly, i do feel that way to many of my good friends or other best friends. Without Ming, i'd literally crumble and degenerate into specks of dust.

you've done ALOT and saved me, and i'm truly grateful for that. love you till the end of time.

xoxoxoxx