sigh

realised that whenever i'm alone, my mind will wander on its own to unchartered territories which are bound to shred my soul to bits and pieces of nothingness; ripping it apart and killing it brutally as time slowly ticks by...

i need to occupy my mind with something URGENTLY and leave EVERYTHING to God

oh God please help me :'(

Hi.

I turned 2o yesterday.

there was no feelings of extreme emotions deviated to a side or the other, it was mere apathy. it was indifferent and i really couldn't care less that i'm a year older now.

truth be told, it was just like any other day, rummaging through Life with such heavy heart and uncertainty.

i think i've grown quite a bit in the past year. the course of events that happened have made me mature and wiser. friendships mean so much more to me(unlike before) and i'm making a conscious attempt to maintain those that are 'worth it'.

in retrospect, i'm on a mission to ward away those that are deemed unworthy because they don't succumb to the laws of my Friendship Theory. once they don't operate by the rules and regulations, i'll -actively- make the whole friendship inactive because i'm not a superhuman who can handle 100 friendships. the minimum status quo would be 'good friends' and any 'friendships' below that status would be required to sign a Withdrawal Form(mentally).

hahaha sounds quite funny.

in a nutshell, i would keep those i love close at bay, and shun those who are not worth my time and effort. you know who you are <3

hi

i want to be everything i'm not and it's not helping when my confidence and motivation to actually do something hits rock-bottom; it's like as though i'm threading along waters of unknown territory with huge currents that are just bound to kill.

fuck i'm unique. i should love myself. i'm good enough. shall TRY to be less embroiled in stupid and negative thoughts every single day

let's see how long i'll last

+

am having faith that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it is. because the light will see me through, and it will give me strength and hope.

strength and hope... to believe that this is all just a phase, and this too, will pass. the invincible vacuum will come and suck all of the holes from the dark side, leaving the surface smooth and bright.

and the rainbows will colour my life, just as they promised.

Affirmations dont work all the time.

told myself that it's okay to make mistakes. cos i'm only human, and i'm far from perfect. what matters most is to pick myself up, even though it's hard and the gravity is ripping me apart. because that is the yardstick to define a loser from a winner. and i'm definitely the latter.

told myself that it's okay to fail expectations set by others, because i'm only human and i'm far from perfect. it's inevitable that i'll disappoint, but it's not okay that i keep on failing others. i need to be better, and this is a pressing need because i feel like i'm a loser.

told myself that i need some love within me for myself. because it's tiring living in an alternate reality where you want to be someone you're not, every single time. 'i want to be this, or that, and yes that way, or that particular way' - just anything and everything else apart from myself. because it's just so hard living in my own skin. but i'm only human and i'm far from perfect.

told myself so many times that i'm only human and i'm far from perfect but i've never believed those words.

hi

mustered courage to read freely without any thoughts lurking at all. protested against bumps and rocks and pebbles which disintegrated slowly, but surely in the mind. did not give any attention to any details but just rummaging every word head-on without any collision or stopping exits.

felt liberated.

NEED TO PEE BYE

Spinning.

it's so hard to read these days when i can't differentiate myself from the narrator. i get all mentally and emotionally exhausted after reading a few pages. have not yet learn to separate the feelings i feel for the characters from myself. i take on the heaviness and the downsides too often so much so that i begin to mutter prayers which goes along the lines of 'oh God pls don't let me be that' too many times.

i'm tired.

maybe i should start reading brainless books and become brainless as well.

(these marks are here to stay so just let them get out of my fucking head thanks)

hi

Am totally bored and i don't feel like doing anything at all and i've cancelled all plans today because i just feel like staying at home not doing anything but i'm bored to tears and i feel like running but i'm lazy.

rambling starts now.

sighhhhhhhhhh shall attempt to blog only positive things but i'm sure this plan will fail terribly and disgustingly. okay let me whine for the *last time.

omg i'm even lazy to whine kthxbye.