'Identity and self-worth are not based on looks'.

i thought i was fine.

but the truth is, i'm not.

(i'm just vvvv tired mentally and i just want to leave everything behind. go far far far away from here, leave all these memories behind and start afresh in somewhere new. i need to breathe. i've been suffocating all these while. my nerves are blue. can you hear me crying? can you see those tears brimming? it's just a step away from the edge but i'm holding myself back, because i know(yes i know) that i can do this. i will fight. i'll give it my all. i'll do it.)

'if you look for perfection, you'll never be contented'

contrary to what people believed, i'm actually a perfectionist by nature(though i may not appear to be one). and i care ALOT about what other people think/expect of me so much so that i really wonder if the life i'm living is mine or just a play directed by others

(i think those two points above are the root of my problem)

sometimes i just wish that i'm braindead for a while because i'm fucking sick and tired attending to these thoughts that will never stop

they come haunting me mercilessly, while i'm stuck in a small spot with the four walls roaring its face at me, and together with the ceiling and the ground, they edge closer, closer and closer, squeezing me till i eventually vanish into thin air

If it's not worth it, don't hang on to it.

some stuffs are better propagated, while some are better locked within, inside the deep recesses of our heart.

but today, in the case of the latter, the lid was slightly pried open and it was left ajar for quite some time. bitter memories flashed like lightnings in the twinkling of an eye, causing emotional waves to roar the recessing shoreline.

yet, the pain wasn't as acute as before. it was manageable and transitory, much better than expected. this just goes to show how i've really moved on, albeit not completely, but somewhere along that route.

now, i just need time to heal the scars. Amin.

needs retail therapy!

more often than not, we're too engrossed in our own problems and imperfections till it almost becomes a selfish pursuit. it's as thought this is all just a vent and we feed it every single day with TLC till it becomes a part of us. but it's not exactly intentional, blame it on the circumstances around us.

i know i deserve better, i just need to stop holding myself back and JUST RISK IT

STORY OF MY LIFE

(wanted desperately to type an entry which is embroiled with such self-hatred and doubt a few nights ago but i decided to sleep it away because i still have so much more to achieve, and i shouldn't be too self-critical like i always am. sounds contradicting but true)

it has been a hell of a week, but my mind was relatively serene and tranquil. there were moments when i just wanted to give up there and then. miraculously, by His grace, i survived.

i need to tell myself that i'm human and IT IS OKAY to make mistakes. i never used to care what my boss thinks of me, but recently, i do. this has become a pressing concern because i feel -very- pressurized and i do not allow myself to make a single mistake AT ALL.

truth be told, i made a mistake just now.

i literally just went berserk and i felt very very affected. it's as though the whole world just came crashing down on me(not exaggerating) and i felt like a total loser. i didn't want to continue work because i developed a phobia in just a matter of minutes.

i couldn't take the pressure and withdrew from my seat. decided to sit alone in some secluded corner, with a throbbing headache which culminated into a migraine; with so many negative thoughts racing past each other, colliding and erupting into explosions every single time

eventually calmed down and talked myself out of it. survived yet another mental ordeal with His help :) thank God i managed to complete quite an obscene amount of work.

CANT WAIT TO ORD KTHXBYE

kthxbye

how i wish i'm the only one in this world and it's all perfect and rosy and everything's going MY way without any deviation or expectations or pressure or hope

i kid.

You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.

i had htht sessions with awesome people and it makes me feel good about myself because

1) i feel honoured when they chose to pour out their grieving souls to ME
2) whatever they told me was secretive, something no one else knows; ''i've never told anyone before, so please keep this to yourself''. ---- i find this vvvvvv satisfying(it's like they've placed such great trust and faith in this friendship. this really touched me in ways words can't describe)

and that just made me feel that i've a purpose in life. INSERTS MEGA SMILEY HERE

(i just typed an entire entry subsconciously and i feel that i don't have to reiterate myself every single time, but it's so ironical because i tend to do it all the same. deleted it off btw)

today, i was reminded of God's greatness; His fairness shows.

every single obstacle and grief will be compensated by a wealth of joy and happiness because He'll never leave you out in the dark. He'll eventually wrap you in His arms, His ever-receiving arms which are full of acceptance and hope. the phase will tide down and you'll never suffer for long.

He'll save you. :)

:)

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again

L

moments like this make me feel doubtful about the meaning in life because it's so subjective and relative like WHERE IS THE FIXED CONSTANT THAT I NEED TO FALL BACK ON?

sigh.

being in denial helps, cos it makes me happy. :D way to go you delusional crap