it's amazing how some things turn out, especially when you don't expect anything because you know expectations beget disappointments. it's like leaving yourself in the open space, vulnerable and weak, but you still wade along the waves of Uncertainty. the dangers seem imminent, the waves MAY turn violent(or never at all) but you move on. and eventually, what looms before you is a magnificent view of the wide open space of clear-blue waters and the most beautiful rainbow you've ever set your eyes on

keeps haunting you

out of hundreds in the chatroom, more often that not, the anonymous person i'm chatting with end up to be someone i know. someone whom i've had acquaintance with, of all forms and levels, and in most cases, someone whom i don't wish to be acquainted with anymore. it has happened so many times. our nicknames are not even remotely similar to the ones we've used before. it's like finding a pin in the haystack, but this time round, it's not by chance anymore.

this is fate.

i was writing about an entry about how ungrateful we humans are, but it got too deep and emotional. i didn't want to continue.

++

it's strikingly familiar how we are consciously aware doing stuffs we know will break our hearts, but we dived in foolishly nonetheless, because these very acts make us feel like we're finally alive. albeit painful, it made us breathe... and pulsate our hearts; palpitating them to the speed of sound.

just a thought which is not true btw

'it's too late. you're gone, and all i wish for is for time to rewind. i miss you, and your smell that lingers in me after our hug. i love how you held me so tight every single time. you never wanted to let me go. you told me i was the best for you. i said the same thing.

but.. i just said the exact words to someone else yesterday.

i got a job! the pay may not exactly be awesome, but i guess it's about the experience. i shall just take whatever that comes along my way, and not expect too much out of it :) i shall enjoy myself!


God is fair. realised that whenever something bad happened before, be rest assured that you'll be blessed with something joyful thereafter.

it rained initially, then it got really hot after that. i was perspiring all the time and it was unglam. i screwed up the first interview, i was a nerve-wreck, was half an hour late and my answers were retarded. after that, i was told that i had to rush to another place for another interview. i had to be there in fifteen minutes. THAT WAS INTENSE. the weather was crazy, i knew i definitely couldn't make it in time, i walked SOO much already and my legs were killing me. i wanted to just give up and grab a drink at Starbucks or something. but, something in me persisted. i didn't know what it was. i reached the place 15 minutes late and thankfully, the interview has not started. the interviewer was really nice, but the session was really intense. i was pretty nervous but thank God, i maintained my composure and delivered. i wasn't as nervous as i thought, and i was actually confident. i felt good about it, but i didnt' want to expect alot because i know the competition was pretty stiff. left it all to Him, at least i've tried anyway. a few hours later, i got a phonecall telling me that i got the job! hail the Almighty :)


another testimony to point out. i would always cut my hair at this particular shopping centre, the lady is good. my brother recommended me. even though she is awesome, somehow or rather, i wouldn't be TOTALLY satisfied after a haircut. i would be a bit disappointed, because she didn't exactly live up to my expectations. but i would still go again, because i wanted to give her a chance(or chances, rather). there was this particular time when i went without any cash. i wanted to withdraw the money at that shopping centre. after walking for 20 minutes there from my place, under the sweltering heat of the sun, imagine the agony and frustration when i found out that the ONLY ATM machine in that place was faulty. the only thing i could do(it didn't cross my mind at all that i can pay via nets in her salon; i'm such a blonde sometimes) was to go over to bpp just to withdraw some cash. i didn't have any choice. i did just that, but of course while cursing and swearing five million words per minute. it was SO hot, and everyone knew the sun is not exactly my bestfriend. i hated the whole experience. it was just very disastrous. i went back to the salon, told her what i want, and finally got a haircut. this time round, i was FULLY satisfied! i loved it, and it was exactly what i wanted.


see, if things don't go your way, don't give up! endure, especially if you think it's worth it. persevere and carry on. with His help(definitely), you'll be rewarded. it will be MUCH sweeter since you've gone through so much heh.

it is really sad when the spark and chemistry are apparent, conversations are smooth; they last for hours and words glide through effortlessly, but those are not enough because the physical exterior is not up to expectations.

superficiality at its own peril

i woke up, recalling to myself all the weird dreams that i had, found it really amusing and i wanted to share it here; but slowly, bit by bit, these dreams dissipate from the fountain of my memory. they're all gone

body clock's still screwed, i don't know what to do with it anymore.

on the way back from gym, i was in the bus, forming incoherent thoughts in my mind(as always) and imagining how awesome it would be if there's a telepathic signal to my blog, which directly regurgitates whatever i am thinking at that particular point of time. my blog would have been infinitely long

went to the library and i got all excited and i squealed like a little girl. i love libraries. they give me this very home-ly feeling, like the whole idea of being swarmped with books really hyped me up. it's like an adrenaline rush, those that you get when you see a hot guy, or your boyfriend/girlfriend whom you've not met for a year. i borrowed 7 books of very diverse topics and scopes, i love it. i'm happy. books make me genuinely happy

just got off the phone with the guy i'm dating. i was a nerve-wreck, and i REALLY wanted to sleep my night away and not talk. i'm very anxious when it comes to phone conversations, i'm strange like that. i would avoid them as much as possible(with a guy whom i like of course) i fear the way i sound might turn them off, or the way i enunciate my words . i know i have to maintain my cool and sound manly. this is totally pressurizing, so i just avoid it altogether

i think the phone convo wasn't as smooth as it should be. he was really nice. it was my fault. i was holding myself back most of the time; my responses were not as active nor bubbly like his.

ah why am i even saying this. i don't give a shit about guys. no expectations = no disappointments. screw guys and dicks bye

am trying really hard to sleep but my body clock is mega screwed up. all the parties and sleepovers have caused me insomnia. now, i can only peacefully sleep at 4 freaking AM. even if i tried my damnest to sleep earlier, i'll toss and turn in bed repeatedly, eventually sleeping a few hours later. fuck this shit seriously

and it's this time of the day when i feel really nostalgic and reminiscent. i miss certain people....... and and yeah that's about it. plus, i need to stop running away from problems just because i think it's tough to handle. come on, i CAN do this. nothing's too tough to handle(it's all in the mind, it's all in the mind)

i need to quickly embrace change and not get stuck in a rat hole for long. i'd be only digging my own grave..

and i should stop caring about temporal things because they are Simply Not Worth it. why bother wasting time on them, when i could better channel my energy and effort into something which is more tangible, rewarding and beneficial. so, fuck superficialities and let's empower practicality.

who's in?

i already am.

now.. now, you're stepping on my boundary. (but hell yeah, you're looking all good and masculine, empowered and strong.) the gate's locked but you're loosening the grip with your sheer words and trust. and hope and love. and your sincerity to wanting to make this work.

but there's another door right ahead and it cannot be pried open. for now.

need more time xoxo

hi

i was watching antm on youtube yesterday, and it so happened that just now, starworld showed britain's next top model for a few hours till the winner was announced. i think it's fate.

and coincidentally(or rather by a twist of fate), the girl i was rooting for the entire time ended up second place for both shows. it got annoying because they both are evidently stronger than the winner. their bone structures are phenomenal, their photos are beyond magnificent and their walks are fiercer.

yet, they didn't win. MEGA HMPH

it got me thinking. i guess one of the reason why they didn't win was probably their stand-offish attitude. it's like, 'girl i have EVERYTHING in me. i WILL definitely win this, it's in MY hands!'. and one more point to note, the winners seem like they REALLY want it super badly(well i'm sure my girls want it too, but i guess the way they delivered their sincerity wasn't that convincing).

so lesson learnt : Be humble, and make sure your passion comes across sincerely. i think that would make a winner from a runner-up.

it's really funny and ~tiring~ how i transform into so many different personalities while watching television programmes. i would be emotionally charged and imbued each time, feeling so strong for each persona, while slowly becoming into the character him/herself. i entangle myself into the webs of deceit and lies, each and every time, till i feel suffocated and i would stop watching the show altogether. or even if i do continue watching, i will silently pray hoping that i won't turn out like them, and it's not amusing anymore when i do it every single time.

i'm so paranoid.

when you tend to catastrophize things, reality will never be as bad as it seems.

BE POSITIVE.

realised that i'm very contented with simple pleasures in life, i would forego partying for a night of htht conversations which is rewarding and easy.

i'm beginning to let go because bearing a grudge would make me an evil person. i would harbour heinous thoughts which are detrimental to my well-being, and i might even lose grip of reality and myself. even though it's hard to just hoist the white flag, i know i'll emerge stronger.

xx

today was fun! hung out with new friends, at one of their cribs, just wasting our life away talking about everything and anything. i was dunking my oreo into the milk, and my hands and lips got messy. we all laughed about it, in pure fun and enjoyment. ate chic rice and some beef rendang, with chips thereafter. this was actually our second meet-up but we all felt comfortable with each other. this is nice, i love making new friends whom i can easily open up to

gym tmr, i hope i'm not lazy.

xx

it's tiring how i try really hard sometimes but it just backfired. like how i really try to maintain a good impression of myself but i screwed up. i form a million thoughts in my mind, commanding myself on how i should respond or act in a particular situation. i would mentally plan my words before saying them out, or i would actually envision beforehand how my body language would be. yes, i am THAT critical of myself

yet, most of the times, it doesnt work out and i really hate myself.

maybe, i shouldn't even try. i'm so tired of trying.

alone times don't have to be depressing! they can be fun and entertaining.

AHHH I'M FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF EVERYTHING CHAO CHEE BYE

a place without any inhibitions.

the feeling of being intoxicated is so liberating. it feels as though i'm in my own world.

i don't have to care about what people would think. expectations don't matter; they're non-existent. i dance to my groove; i don't care if it's ugly, retarded or gay. i'm blinded to the world around me, it's just a confined world where i'm at - i can't see the rest. i don't care if they're looking because for once, people don't matter. i don't care what they would perceive me to be. i don't fear judgements and discriminations. i'm just alone in my world and beyond the boundary of it, it's none of my care and concern. i don't even want to give a damn because they don't matter. the person that only matters is me, because i'm the only one living.

oh man, i want to be drunk every single day.

now, i'm scared. you want me to let my guards down? wouldn't that mean you have the power to destroy me?

and if i let you in- what if you hold a knife and aim it right at my heart, and slash it mercilessly cos you're done with me?

but your words.... they ring at my ears, and touched me at the small, deluded corners within. i'm trying to run away, but i don't ever wanna leave. you held me back, but. i'm scared. i don't have the guts to do this(again). i just don't dare. i'm scared.

did i just say i'm scared?

but i love you. oh fuck did i just say i love you?

its like i don't know what to say, or even do anymore. i'm done trying so hard now i just wanna fuck everything off and just let go. leave it to God. leave it to Him. have faith. He'll work wonders. don't try. just live.

we're just a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam, anyway. what can we do?? we're nameless parts of a collective entity.

yes. we're just a dust. we're nameless.

we're insignificant. we're just.. useless.

(i seriously have no idea what triggered off the above-mentioned. i'm neurotic like that)

now i need to breathe. and have some peace in my mind. don't know how though

boo

i don't know why but my head hurts so much it feels as though a bodybuilder just whacked it so hard. okay, i'm exaggerating. but it normally hurts this much when i have a million and one thoughts popping into my head and it is not even fucking funny.

i'm done with NS. there were moments(so many, in fact) when i told myself how much i fucking hate it, how much i can't wait to be done with it, and how i will never ever miss it. i guess i spoke too soon.

I MISS NS ALREADY :(

i seriously feel that NS has been SUCH an epic phase in my life. God knows what i went through- the emotional rollercoaster rides(that are just too much to handle), the burgeoning stress, the soaring and escalating expectations, the OC, breakouts, NSPAM, TMS, never-ending MCs, friends, quarrels with friends, ''i'm so done with him, he's OUT OF MY LIFE'', betrayals, backstabbing, break-ups, cries, tears......

i don't even know where to begin(or end for that matter). the friends i've made are beyond awesome; they've made life in FFTC(Fire-Fighting Training Centre) so so so much more bearable. i've never really had many guy friends prior to NS, because i've felt that i can't click with them(oh man this sounds weird). but NS has blessed me with many of those, who are genuine and sincere - brothers whom you know you can count/depend on.

aww this is so sad. i don't ever wanna grow up. this always happens, a chapter closes just when it's about to finally begin. sigh

it's weird how i wanted to write so much more but i ended up writing like just one paragraph or something.

and, somehow, i feel pretty imbued with emotions that sprung up from the abyss of nothingness. am missing some people whom i know i shouldn't. why can't life be easier? why must it be complicated and not go just according to plan? or desires? or wishes?

i'm letting go

today was a culmination of pent-up emotions which were just about to explode any second. i felt like screaming and crying and pulling my ugly hair strand by strand till i'm completely bald. then i'll commit suicide after that.