my new blog is www.thickrootsoflife.blogspot.com

with the year coming to an end, i would like to deliberately close this chapter of my life. all these whirlpool of extreme emotions have made me become so fragile and delicate. i've wasted my chances while hurting people along the way. and of course, i've been hurt myself.

i've had enough of wanting to be someone else because of the ideals i set. i don't want to be someone else anymore. i want to be myself. and i'm not gonna give a fuck about expectations. i'm not gonna restrain myself just because i think i'm not good enough(these happened UNCOUNTABLE times this year). the thing is, who will EVER be good enough? who defines 'good enough' anyway? there's no absolute measure of it because it is just a relative term. if you say someone is hot, you are comparing him/her to someone you have in mind and that in itself is subjective. everyone is beautiful regardless. we have our own set of strengths and weaknesses. we are unique, and to compare ourselves with someone else is absolutely unfair because there isn't any yardstick of comparison in the first place.

all these superficial crap can just rot in hell. i'm not gonna spend 24/7(i used to do it, no joke) of my time brooding over it/lamenting over things i don't have. what's the point? i'm not gonna let something i lack stop me from utilising what i have to the fullest potential. besides, all these superficial crap will only get you THAT far. it's ultimately your heart and brain that matter. i'm gonna work on that and rid my mind of temporal things.

i want to be happy. i'm gonna live. i'm gonna let go of everything meaningless, weep(but not wallow) and move on. i'm gonna embark 2011 with an open mind and a refreshing perspective. i'm gonna take risks and challenge myself. i'm gonna love like i've never been hurt before, because i know i'm strong enough to recover.

goodbye 2010, you've been such a bitch.

i was reading my old blog and i was so carefree back then. it felt so different right now, now let's talk about the present. things have changed; i have transformed into this vulnerable and weak person who is just so insecure about everything. how i wish things are much simpler than this

last thing on my mind.

i was reminiscing about the things that happened this year, and i was surged by a wave of nostalgia.

i almost cried.

today, i learnt how to be numb. i learnt the art of suppression, and the ability to be nonchalant about everything(even the seemingly interesting things that make me go hysterical).

i like it, i like how it is able to not feel anything. i want to feel this way everyday. it feels as though my soul has detached itself and i'm walking on a floating platform where my feet can't touch the ground

"i'm there, yet at the same time, i'm not there. so where am i?"

NO.

i refuse to think; i don't want to open up that gateway of thoughts which are running amok all over the place. i don't ever want to leave it bare for you to stamp your prints on them. get out, get out - leave this place. don't trespass the boundary. get out

i don't want to know how to feel anymore cos my depth of emotions have been too extreme. it's so ~tiring~. it's on the abyss of destruction, even the slightest ray of hope can't be seen to shed some light(at the very least). i want to break open my chest, take out my bloody heart and chuck it aside for people to fiddle and smash them into little insignificant pieces. they were never treasured in the first place, anyway. there's no worth in it. it's -nothing-.

i shall numb myself. being numb is the way to go

i was chatting with this guy who is attached but is having some problems with his boyfriend and so, he's looking for a random person to have sex with. well, i'm not particularly surprised because such acts are very very common. i see it too often, and this very fact makes me lose hope in the gay society. my hopes are never high in the first place, anyway. but it makes me realise how loose and temporary this is. it's all so transitory; full of lies, deceit and betrayals. but time and again, we surrender ourselves to such perils for reasons i'm totally unaware of(because i'm in this too)

you know sometimes i wish i'm straight. trust me, i'll be SO much happier(and no, it's not that easy to change)

'you let go of everything meaningless'

a million and one thoughts were coursing through my mind just now, and i had this very sudden urge to write but i was outside. now, they have degenerated to specks of nothingness and i feel empty. i shall let go of everything meaningless, worthless things which would trigger panic and anxiety attacks more often than not - because these very reasons make me wander along Life like a bird without any wings

shall slowly get the whole fucking superficial-related things like face and body and clothes and everything associated out of my fucking mind NO ATTENTION SHALL BE GIVEN BECAUSE THEY DON'T DESERVE IT

it is really easy to be swept by the winds of discontentment as you embark on the devilish journey of comparing yourself with others. there are DEFINITELY people way better than you, but there are also people who are less fortunate. we should stop comparing ourselves with the better ones because we have our own unique strengths, and that is good enough. it is okay to view them as a source of inspiration but that should be all.



besides, it is important to realise that God doesn't owe us anything. thus, that would make us appreciate every single opportunity that He has blessed is with.



be thankful, and make the best out of every second. be happy :)

some things are just better off flushed out of the system, there isn't a need to unlock THAT door of memories.

stop trying so hard, leave it to Him and let it all go.

PEACE

feel the love

i thank God for making me fall in love with the English Language since young. this interest has been nurtured and enhanced every single day, and it's such a gift because it makes me feel better. writing is cathartic; it releases my inner soul.

i feel exposed and free when i write. it's as though nothing else exists and it's only me and my hands and the laptop and my mind reliving such memories. in moments of extreme emotions, penning(or typing) down my thoughts seem to be the only remedy.

i woke up feeling fresh and eager for a new day. it's been long since i truly felt this way. i left the house with a big smile plastered on my face. i felt good. i went to work and told myself that today will be better than yesterday. i shall not bother about unnecessary thoughts that are lingering in my mind. look bitch, i'm in control. get out you whore

i felt the happiness radiating from my smile. my boss told me that the OIC said i have a very warm smile. when i smile, all the queries will be solved - that's her exact quote. that brightened up my day. :)

everyday is a learning journey, and for this phase of life, i'm on a quest to love myself more. a good friend tell me that i deserve to be happy, simply because i'm loved. i have many friends who love me for who i am, even with my flaws and shortcomings. thinking about it, he's right. i am blessed. i should count my blessings. i have wonderful people in my life who truly love and care for me.

and that is good enough. such love is justified to tell me that i'm good enough. and that means i should love myself for who i am. because such love comes from people who REALLY matter, and that in itself is something magical

i've been feeling very uneasy these days. it's as though there's alot of things on my mind, and the only thing i want to do is to leave this place. there are so much memories here, i've had enough - i want new ones. i want new routines, a different direction to walk with nothing in mind. i want peace. my mind has been shrouded with thoughts that shouldn't even exist

i don't remember the last time i laughed with such sincerity till it shines. my eyes are so dead when i laugh, it's as though the life in me has long drifted away from it's owner. oh wait, who's the owner? i don't even have an identity; i think i'm an amalgamation of my ideals placed on different people i wish i am. one day, i'm this person and i'm another the next. it's like i'm running in a track full of endless gorgeous robes and these are all mine. i change costume every single day but it's not exhaustive so i still have hope. in becoming someone else. other than myself.

sometimes i wish i'm not so attuned to my emotions. sometimes i wish i'm not as receptive to the exterior facade of the world, because it's so ugly and soul-numbing. i want to let go, but it's as though i've been stamped with such motherfucking thoughts which are just bound to kill. it's really fucking hard to stop them from circulating within my system. they've taken control and i'm just a slave

sigh, i don't know what to do anymore. the heaviness of being alive has paved it's way, bearing fruits of suicidal tendencies. i bare my all in the open field of thorns - do anything as you deem fit. i have nothing within me to fight.

i give up

these few days have been a mental wreck; clinging onto hopes of perfection never seem to wriggle it's way out of the system despite forceful pleas. it has been penetrated deeply and it needs to be annihilated, before it cast irreversible damage.

let go let go let go LET GO FUCK

was major stressed up at work because i set an unreasonably high expectations of myself. wanted to master everything all at one shot, and it was obviously impossible. will take it step by step tomorrow. and have fun!!! NO PRESSURE NO PRESSURE